Sunday, November 18, 2007

Dumb, White Girls Pain Scale

Pain scales are tools that can help health care providers diagnose or measure a person’s pain intensity. The scale is usually 1-10 with 1 being a little pain and 10 being the worst pain that you ever felt in your life. How boring is that? So, Mr.Shife and I have come up with our own pain scales that we are hoping hospital emergency rooms everywhere will adopt as their new measurement scale for pain. For the Dumb, White Guy's Pain Scale, check out his post. For my Dumb, White Girl's Pain on.

1)Getting poo on your hands
2)Being reincarnated as Courtney Love's eye makeup remover and knowing your whole existence is a complete waste.

3)Remembering you dyed your pubes florescent pink in the waiting room of your gynecologist

4)Being confronted by a figment of your imagination about your obsession with anal probing at an Abductee's Anonymous meeting.

5)Getting cut off by your local Starbucks Barista because you are 2 shots over your limit, and then getting barred for life because after you sucker punched him you jumped over the counter and put your mouth directly on the carafe and started sucking and swallowing.

6)Waking up from a coma and being told you were lovingly taken care of by your new pimp Rocco.

7)Not feeling awkward after receiving a sponge bath from this guy.

8)Deciding to give street fighting a chance to up your "risk taker" status and your first unsuspecting victim is Bas Rutten ("I'm sorry" bang bang bang... "no I'm not" Stonelifter, for this link!)

9)Getting stuck on a carousel ride and the horse you are on is actually eating you, not just itself. 10)The moment you realize the only thing you will ever eat again is meatloaf forever.

and #11...yes 11, because I have a ridiculously high pain tolerance, as most women do... really, the men's pain scale should only go to 7 at the most.
11)The morning you woke up from the regular nightmare of hanging out with Star Jones and you realized this dream no longer creates the night sweats and doesn't even send a chill up your spine anymore. You are completely conditioned to love the unlovable and there is nothing left but guilt.