Tuesday, May 27, 2008

40 weeks of fake pregnancy glow is coming to its unend.

Yesterday I went to Costco. When I left, I went to my car, opened the passenger side door and got in with my yogurt and hotdogs on my lap... and then honestly sat there for a good, solid, 4 seconds before it dawned on me that I was alone and driving.

So tomorrow is our fake scheduled c-section for Mr.Shife's and my fake, bastard, virtual love child that doesn't exist... If you have no idea what I'm talking about, shame on you. Keep up. Things move fast around here people... click here and it should catch you up to speed. I'm really excited, and kinda nervous. What kind of fake mother will I be? Will Mr.Shife step up to the virtual plate? Will he continue to deny this fake baby it's fictional birthright? But more importantly, the main question that isn't keeping me up at night is will it even be human?
Over the last 40 weeks, as this pretend fetus hasn't grown in my womb, I've seen several different possibilities of what sort of fake child we could not be bringing into this virtual world. The great part for you, my lovelies, is that I've managed to capture some of this fake baby's fake development on film (ok, Inner Voices, settle down. These are digital). So, here are a few photos I've managed to take in between fake morning sickness and virtual bastard baby brain. I know you all will be with us in the fake delivery room giving us your fake support while nothing really happens.
You probably remember the first two shots.

A baby giraffe? Could we be so lucky Mr.Shife?

I wasn't surprised to see our fake baby morph itself into a mouse.

I was surprised, mind you, to see that this fake baby has already been to Mardi Gras.

The weight of this fictional fetus hasn't taken a tole on my back at all, which is weird. My back hurt a lot in the last trimester with Everett.

40 weeks later... yet, it feels like only moments ago that I could still see my feet.
If I didn't get a picture of it, I'd have a hard time believing that there is a chance that this fake baby may be a 2litre.
Now this was scary. Mr.Shife probably doesn't remember how worried I was that our fake, bastard, love child was actually trying to abort itself.
I didn't need a real Dr to tell me that delivering scissors breach, even fake ones, would have me screaming for drugs.

Mr.Shife is non-responsive (He's so consistent. I fake love it. I always never know where he stands on anything) on his opinion on fake natural childbirth, but I'll tell you this; if this fake spawn ends up being a pineapple in real life, I'm totally taking the drugs. And after, I'll eat it if the munchies set in.

You can never have enough brushes kicking around. So a brush would be cool. Plus, you can just chuck it in a drawer when you need a break from fake loving it.

Considering this made up offspring is half Canadian AND I am the female equivalent to MacGyver I'm thinking a roll of duct tape is highly likely and completely practical.
I'm nervous at the possibility of delivering this wine glass. It's huge. And, well, it's GLASS.
The unreal thought of giving birth to a crack baby is just wrong. Even I can't believe I went there. I'm sure Mr.Shife has less than nothing to say about this possibility. Sometimes saying less is more, you know? I think the saying goes "Silence makes the heart grow fonder" or something like that.

Oh, and on a side note, I think I need to rethink my belt. It looks like its seen better days. And, I suppose it has, considering I got it in grade 10. They don't call me Dr.MakeDo for nothing!

Have a great weekend my lovelies!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

the price is wrong

OK, at the request of Inner Voices, here is a new post to look at. See how much of a giver I am?
I don't normally cop out with the video post, but this is so funny, its worth the look.
Oh, and if you are at work or have to explain to some lookie loo why you are on a sexually explicit site, you may want to wait until you are alone. The video clip is safe ~ and funny, but the site itself, isn't maybe the best thing for your boss or say, your kids to see.
So click here... I call it "The Price is Wrong" (as if I filmed it myself and deserve full credit...or any credit...)

In other news, the bag below is definitely the coolest bag I have ever received a bundle of hand-me-down kids clothes in.

Rob has some days off and has the kids today..so YEA! A day to myself to do stuff around here that I don't want to do even a little bit. Sweet action.

Monday, May 19, 2008

wiener wiener wiener wiener wiener wiener

what a fun word to say.

I just want one so bad.

We took the kids to the play Pinnocchio(sp?) last weekend at a highschool. It was the first play they've been to. Everett made it through half of it. During the intermission, I noticed this sign on the gym door. seriously? NO HATS? Why? What on earth for? I can understand food, drinks and ~for sure~ gum. But hats? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? And when will I stop wondering?

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I am full on annoying.

Rob and I went to see Iron Man last night.
It was awesome to get out together, just the two of us.

We had a great time.
We like to talk and laugh loud and really annoy people.
We're really good at it.
I like to wait until it's a really quite part to normally crack a can of something and shake my popcorn up.
I think people, as a species are predisposed to rubbernecking.
It's in our genes.
Yes, I see you.

No, I don't care.
I'm doing it on purpose.
Every time you turn around, I am slightly more pleased with myself.

It was a long movie, and I held my pee like a champ until I was convinced if I didn't go, I'd be peeing on my seat, or, at the very least, peeing a little with each step down the isle.

Obviously, I knew this was going to be a really long pee, so I did what anyone would do ~ get out my cell phone and record it so I can text message some really lucky people. My plan was almost executed flawlessly until I stood up and my cell phone fell in the toilet. Man was I happy that happened. I love stuff like that. It was so awesome sticking my hand past my wrist in my pee to get it out and manically wipe pee water all over my pants and even my shirt to dry it off enough to get the back off to pull the battery out. Sweet action.

Oh, and then Rob and I saw a man fall down the stairs outside.
And I do mean fall.
Totally bail.
I felt slighted that I couldn't get it on video or even a picture of it for you.

After swinging by Erin's for a bit, we went home and I stared at our 3 Scirocco's and felt so happy.

It was a great night.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

I'll huff and I'll puff and kick your door in!

~I've kicked two doors open this month. How bad assed is that?

~I keep forgetting I have a meeting until my doorbell rings. Entirely too many people have seen me in my pajamas. I love pretending that I knew they were coming and that my plan was to just be in my pajamas.

~Gluten TIDBITS? Seriously? eweeee

~I watched American Gangster. It took me a couple days because I am the Queen of distractions. My favorite thing in the whole movie was seeing the VW Squareback that Russell Crow was driving. It was so cool to hear how it sounds too. Man I have to get back to my project car.

~Facebook has been a fun time killer. It's been neat checking out photos of people I'd lost contact with. I have also really enjoyed giving Carl the last word. Man he's needy.

~My new favorite expression

Friday, May 02, 2008

ramble much?

~~I am my own worst constant distraction.
~~um, anyone else wonder if the other yams are jealous?
~~Why is it exactly that Madonna only has 4 minutes to save the world?
~~I started working out again. Now if I can only lay off the bread for a while, I just might see some results... other than more energy to eat more bread.
~~The only thing you can control in life is your reaction.

~~I have a really bad habit of starting things and not finishing them. This includes a sketchbook full of unfinished drawings. Here is a great example of one of my many unfinished drawings. This is Kay, who I miss dearly, but seem to suck at my end of the friendship.
~~My friend Tanya left a message on my answering machine ages ago that I still think about. It went something like this... "Hi, I just thought you should know that I think Gilbert Grapes' mother is actually eating Gilbert Grape. click."
~~I am not down with Posh Spices popularity.
~~I really enjoyed Jon Bon Jovi in the movie 'The Brave One'. He looked a bit like Jodi Foster though. It was confusing.