Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Compulsive? Maybe. But trust me, my yams are good.

HELLO AGAIN
Hello my daaaaaahlings. It is I, Cher, your favorite blogger. You are all just so lucky to have me in your life aren't you? I know. So I thought I would pass along some practical advice so no one gets injured and loses an eye and I have to start blogging in braille. I don't know braille, so it would be really tricky and full of typos.

So, I think this first piece of advice speaks for itself. This is something you absolutely shouldn't do. Unless of course, you are Chriss Angel and are a demon and your DNA is made up of 2 parts fire anyway.
Second piece of practical advice, look before you sit. If you don't feel like looking first, have someone do a trial sit for you on your chair of choice because there is just no doubt that unknowingly sitting on a chair like this would suck worse than mudbutt.
Third piece of practical advice from yours truly is to be really careful for random (blunt OR pointy) giant hooks that may appear out of nowhere, as you scratch your bum while using gigantic chopsticks to try and pick up crap off the sidewalk.And lastly, piece of advice number four. In order to avoid the paparazzi while doing something like grocery shopping, wear a hoodie and a hat and keep your head down. Make sure you don't look anyone directly in the eye. You can normally avoid most autograph junkies by robbing the joint and running. People think you are just an average thief and not, in fact, one of the coolest people in the world who just wants to get some food and leave.Your poems are all so awesome (of course they are...they're about me, after all)!! What have I started? I don't know how to choose! But I will, and don't forget to submit yours before Dec 3rd if you haven't already!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

THE CONTEST...dun dun dun...

bbc said to me "Time for a new post, an attention whore needs to do lots of posts. LOL" So true bbc. So here you go...
Didn't do much yesterday.
Just my normal Wednesday.
Which is actually quite a busy day and rushed in the mornings.
It actually took waaay too long to take this picture.I took it myself and there was another lady in the room (with 2 ugly kids) who was wondering what on earth I was doing, but because she didn't ask, I didn't offer. I also didn't stop Everett from stealing her ugly kids toys out of their ugly little hands. I figured, you know what? They are ugly. They better get used to not always being treated nicely.
Similar to my Cougars hat, again, you are cooler for knowing me, because I have this shirt...

Come on, admit it. that shirt is S.A.S.S.Y.

Ok... on with the contest. I am having a really hard time with picking who will pick the prize. This post has ended up being really lengthy. So I understand if you want to skim down to your name and just read what pertains to you, but at least scroll down to the end and read what the actual contest is and get your entries in.

Angels idea is just awesome. I totally would love to give him a VW symbol or sticker. I have that kickin' around my crib. I wouldn't even have to leave my house to buy anything. Awesome idea right?

The Duck? what can i say... this is just awesome. I'd get to write on your, the great and mighty Duck's blog? nice. That works out perfect for an egotistical maniac like myself. I want to give you this opportunity... because lucky you right?

Tena.I think it would be so great for me to have the power to give Phats away for the weekend. I mean it's really a great idea all around. For everyone. And then you basically swiped Duck's suggestion right out of his hard drive with the writing on the winners blog bit...and it's such a great idea too. But THEN you come around talkin all like "yo babies daddy" and stuff. No, haha, ok but man the last few sentences were fun to type. Ok, I love the idea of the winner picking my fake, bastard, virtual, love childs name. It's actually beautiful to me. The idea itself seems to be smiling at me. Brilliant.

Mr.Shife-mudbutt holder. What could be better than that? I even have some with Lightning McQueen on them so...sweet right? Great idea. Plus I'd get to say the word mudbutt again in a future post.. Seriously though, The radio show thing is killing me. I want to do it really bad. I don't even know why anymore, but it was really fun doing it... but I'm scared I'll suck. Which, I probably will. But, then you come around traipsing your "you could interview me" suggestion around and now I can't stop dry heaving I'm so scared (ok, not really). But more than that, I just want to do it so much more now. So thank you for this completely irrelevant personal Hell I'm now stuck in. There is almost no other option BUT to let you win. Then I would have the opportunity to almost grill you in person about where our fake, bastard, virtual baby's college fund is dwindling away to. Shame on you.

Phats-I think a weekend with you would be awesome. I'm going to post a bit of our conversation. Man we crack me up.

Phats says:honey i am home cher says:awePhats says:now cook me dinner bitchPhats says:HAHAcher says:haha.cher says: i think a radio show would be really fun though. but i'm scared to do it. Phats says:do it please Phats says: ask if he wants to give you a pearl necklace. cher says: AHHAHAHAHA HAH AHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh we could talk about our fake baby. i'd be funny Phats says:lolPhats says:and give me the prize of date with Phats! cher says:yes.... Phats says:i think a conversation with myself would be fascinating cher says:that is so funny cher says: me too. i wish i could enter.Phats says:i think I should win a date with myself Phats says: LMAOcher says:LMAO!!!!cher says:ah hahaha! and then Angel can set you free....or maybe I will grant world peace just for casdok. cher says:hey, can i cut and paste part of our conversation for my post? Phats says:only if you say how hot and doable I am cher says:ok. you are hot and doable. Phats says:lol

Stonelifter You must be starting to see my dilemma here right? This is such a good idea, I can't believe I didn't think of it. I wonder if I've done this to you and maybe you are just bitter, or maybe you, like me, just think that is really, really funny.

Are you getting the idea? I don't know how to decide.

Kay. Lay off the chemo. I think it's going to your bald head. Ok, but you know I'd love to go hang out with you for an evening and drink some beer in fuzzy slippers. So, naturally, I want you to win too. I don't know. Maybe if you actually sent me your hair that fell out for real, I'd accept your bribe and bump you up to the top of the list.

DG- Canadian bacon is delicious. There is no doubt about it. This post is getting long winded, and you are still milking the last contest winnings out of me. So I think you will forgive me if i just say no.

Jblue you were just day dreaming. I can not get you a helicopter ride that ends with your personal concert from the pipettes. Would you settle for me calling you with ear deafening chopper audio playing while i play you some kind of ditty on the spoons? What if I really put my heart into it?

dipshit mcfuckertwat- man that name is freakin funny. There is just nothing I could say to even make your comments funnier...or sicker...

Paul F.-Again, a really really cool idea. In high school I would pass around a piece of paper. When you had it you wrote a sentence starting with the word already given to you, fold your sentence over, and put the last word under it so the next person couldn't see the context of how to use that word. You ended up with a story so funny I'd get kicked out of class because I was laughing and distracting... I think a short story written and started by me and finished by you all is an absolutely fabulous idea. I really do.

Travis-You are a very smart contestant aren't you? Any idea that gives my fake, bastard, virtual love child post time is just great in my books. But you knew that didn't you? ;) I actually think this fake child is going to be harder to name than how it was conceived too, so that really would save a lot of time and thought.

T.Leach. like I said, you never disappoint me... I kinda hoped you'd enter again so I could send you something again. I mean, why else do I have your address tattooed on the inside of my arm if I'm all done sending you stuff?

Gad- can i get two pints of Guinness and pickled garlic? on top of a golden 1945 WV beetle, of course! This is completely doable. I'm going to go check my backyard for the 1945 beetle. I bet I even have one kickin around back there. If I don't, I will so hook you up with x-ray vision.

Honkeie-a six pack and porn. Nice. I think you should win just because I've never chosen porn for a virtual stranger before. But then you said " I would love to win a gift certificate to my local tattooer and have your name inked on my butt....right above the actual hole. ;-P" Surely you must know how badly I want you to get a tattoo right above your actual hole. And my name? It's every girls dream really. Holy crap you crack me up dude.

THE CONTEST:OK. I will decide somehow. But... until then, here is the actual contest. I want a poem written about me. So get off your duffs, or stay on them, whatever, and get to writing...all about me. Simply splendid idea if you ask me. Just so this contest doesn't drag on forever, I will even give you a cut off date. So get your poems-all about me-to me by December 3rd 2007. Good luck and don't forget how great I am.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Dumb, White Girls Pain Scale

Pain scales are tools that can help health care providers diagnose or measure a person’s pain intensity. The scale is usually 1-10 with 1 being a little pain and 10 being the worst pain that you ever felt in your life. How boring is that? So, Mr.Shife and I have come up with our own pain scales that we are hoping hospital emergency rooms everywhere will adopt as their new measurement scale for pain. For the Dumb, White Guy's Pain Scale, check out his post. For my Dumb, White Girl's Pain Scale....read on.

1)Getting poo on your hands
2)Being reincarnated as Courtney Love's eye makeup remover and knowing your whole existence is a complete waste.

3)Remembering you dyed your pubes florescent pink in the waiting room of your gynecologist

4)Being confronted by a figment of your imagination about your obsession with anal probing at an Abductee's Anonymous meeting.

5)Getting cut off by your local Starbucks Barista because you are 2 shots over your limit, and then getting barred for life because after you sucker punched him you jumped over the counter and put your mouth directly on the carafe and started sucking and swallowing.

6)Waking up from a coma and being told you were lovingly taken care of by your new pimp Rocco.

7)Not feeling awkward after receiving a sponge bath from this guy.

8)Deciding to give street fighting a chance to up your "risk taker" status and your first unsuspecting victim is Bas Rutten ("I'm sorry" bang bang bang... "no I'm not"...lol-thanks Stonelifter, for this link!)

9)Getting stuck on a carousel ride and the horse you are on is actually eating you, not just itself. 10)The moment you realize the only thing you will ever eat again is meatloaf forever.

and #11...yes 11, because I have a ridiculously high pain tolerance, as most women do... really, the men's pain scale should only go to 7 at the most.
11)The morning you woke up from the regular nightmare of hanging out with Star Jones and you realized this dream no longer creates the night sweats and doesn't even send a chill up your spine anymore. You are completely conditioned to love the unlovable and there is nothing left but guilt.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

A SHINY NEW CONTEST ALL BUFFED AND POLISHED

Sorry about my delay in response to your comments. The good news is I just finished whisking up a fresh, fluffy bowl of comments for you all. The better news is that I am a firm believer in answering you back AND (it just gets better with me, doesn't it?) if you left a comment, you didn't get ignored! If you took the time to write something, I feel you deserve a little attention. Which is actually way less than I want. I want a lot of attention.... but anyway, enough about you. Back to me. OK, I am indeed having a new contest. But on the advice of my fake, virtual, bastard baby's Daddy, it is going to be a two-part contest. I'm not going with his "suggestion" because of his undying fake love and support when he says things like "Watch it." rather than it's just a really great idea. So...here is the 4-1-1-...the skinny... the low down...A.K.A. the rules.

The first assignment in this contest (that of course you will enter...hello? Me? Remember? MY contest??) is this. YOU have to decide the prize of the second part of the contest. ya dig? comprehendo? Send in your suggestion...or suggestionssss...of what you think the prize should be for the winner of the second part of the contest. Can you imagine? YOU may win the honor of deciding what the actual prize is for the second part of MY contest? Can you? Imagine? YOU??? Wow. That's big. And when all is said and done, you may just win your prize... Get it? Good. It's simple, yet brilliant. Not unlike the 'thinktank' behind the curtain of the idea.

So, what are you waiting for? What do you want to win?

Friday, November 09, 2007

If you're happy and you know it crap your pants.

Happy Friday everyone! That is particularly nice of me to say, seeing as I have no Friday's anymore. Everyday is a work day when you are a Mum.
Because I've been stuck somewhere in between whiny, me-climbing cling-ons and the land of Mudbutt for so long, I've decided to stop fighting. New plan: Give in and embrace insanity with open, loving arms(It might help you get a feel for my mental state if you know that I am hysterically laughing as I type. Not because it's funny, but because I am full on loony).
So, on with the show.... Today's post will be some random photos I've been meaning to show you all, my loyal little readers.
Rob took this photo for me. It bugs me how clear his phone photos come out compared to mine. At any rate, any sign that has the words "BOOB" and "caution" on it, is just pure comedy in my opinion.
Yesterday, Crofton actually did a little business on the potty. Now, before you get excited, you should know that he wasn't all that happy about being on the potty(even though he asks to sit on it all day long). While protesting his position on the thrown, he tooted, and that's when it happened... I couldn't have been prouder!! Everett was there the whole time cheering him on...ok, really he was just yelling for no reason other than he loves to hear himself at full volume...and climbing up my back, but whatever. It was still one less liquid poop I had to clean up.
How sweet assed is this hat? Seriously? F.Y.I.-you are cooler for knowing me because it is in my house.

I saw these novelty cups in a neat little over priced store where you can find things like hand made pottery, nutmeg body wash, magnetic pens, welcome mats that say "GO AWAY!", tacky jewelry, and other odd nick-knacks. My first thought when I see things like this is always "Cool. I want it." Then I remember that sometimes taking a picture is good enough and leave pleased that I saved $8.00 (plus applicable taxes).

I think this one speaks for itself.
Here's a photo of moi, just so you don't have withdrawal too badly. Don't let my smile fool you. I'm not really happy or approachable.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

I'm a treat with a few tricks...

So, belated as it is, I decided to give jblue a break from checking my blog every hour to see halloween photos. I figured if i didn't post them soon, there would be no point at all... so, here are a couple halloween pics.
Rob was a cave man and I was the cave whore.

I made those costumes by hand dudes. BY HAND.... like with a needle and thread kind of by hand...


3 guesses which pumpkin I carved in this line up of bad boys.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Life's a beach

It's retarded how much I love this beach.
I have logged a lot of hours here.
There is barely ever anyone on it.
It's like my own private beach just for me.
This is the view you would have if you were spying on me. Low tide or high tide. It's just perfect. Did I mention I love it here?
Black and white. This is a shot looking back at my private Heaven from a gazebo that you can get to if you go for a walk through the trails. I love the trails too. I'm quite sure I could get lost in those trails forever. I wonder if anyone would find me?
I have so many wonderful memories of this beach.
Everett learned how to stand here.Awe... Look at him!How about because I gapped out and bought the girl lil swimmers by accident, my children had to sport these? Anyway, I just thought I'd share how much I love this beach with you.
video

video
So there you have it. One of my favorite places in the whole world.
Lucky, lucky me!! Have a great weekend!!