So the other day, I'm opening a piece of mail from DG and I'm taken immediately back to elementary school days because there is a scratch and sniff sticker on the back flap! Completely awesome right? Man I loved scratch and sniff stickers... Anyway, I pull the assumed Christmas card out of its envelope and was blown away. It wasn't a Christmas card at all. It was a "just because you're completely awesome" kind of card!! What a moment that is when you realize someone has gone out of their way and made an extra effort to let you know that they enjoy your friendship.

DG, thank you. I know I have sort of milked your prize of random text messages from me from a contest I had ages ago, but I know you don't mind and have come to love them. Even when they are in the middle of the night, not once have you ever complained about either timing or content.

I thought I would take a moment to show you all the card because it is just so appropriate...

Thank you to Mr. and Mrs. Duck for the Christmas card too! Your kids are too cute for words and the Christmas letter is always such a great way to find out how people spent their year. Even if it makes you painfully aware how little you travel and in fact downright boring your life is... ;)

I want to wish you all, my lovelies, a safe and happy holiday. Be good and don't forget to stop in and say hi.

PS. Quincy, I know you are reading this, so I just wanted to remind you that you still owe me $50 from the bet you lost and that your poker face could use a little work.

A mediocre attempt at trying to get back into blogging

I don't know what's going on with this post, but I don't have time to fiddle with the layout. So here's this post in a nutshell.
1-My hair is pink at the front. Not red. Why do people think it's red? I dunno. I'm bored of it anyway and out of pink dye, so I guess I'll use the purple dye that I have and go back to grey. I mean brown. My mum will be very pleased.
2-I love candy. But candy you can spell stuff with? Seriously awesome. A couple years ago I sent LB Seahag and her cats their names spelled out in candy in a gift box. In return, she sent me really cool stuff that made my gift box seem completely lame. I miss Mel. Her blog was a true inspiration. She put the fun in funny. To see what she got me click here. (Man was my kid a chubbo. Holy crap.)
3-Yesterday I wore a pair of socks that apparently misunderstand their purpose. The purpose of socks, I have been led to believe, is to actually STAY on your whole foot not slip down your heel and bunch up by your toes like the toes are the most important part of the foot. So now my toes are all full of themselves and not working as a unit... as part of a team, and I'm even inclined to say down right belligerent. This morning, one little piggy was all "Hey, where's the yoga toes you promised us?" So I was all "Hey little piggy, check yourself. I didn't promise you jack. In fact, you better watch your attitude. I'm pretty sure I can make it through life with less toes than I have." I thought tough love was the answer. Be firm, you know? Make sure they understand they aren't the boss of the foot. That all parts of the foot are important. Well, let me tell you, no one was more shocked than me when my toes actually flipped me the bird and pitter-pattered to the market without me. SO right now, I'm waiting for them to get back and I am full on stubbing them. Cocky little bastards.

I'm so punk.

The things I'll do to annoy my mother... haha....
How cool is this yin yang VW sculpture?

This was a funny commercial
I don't know how long its been around for, but it made me smile. Unlike most women, I'd actually prefer the vacuum to the necklace.
But the guy who gave the exercise equipment was awesome!
Have a good day my lovelies


"And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun"

wrong number

My phone rang this morning and I answered it, however, the call woke me up so I was groggy to say the least. The call went a little something like this...
me-"Hello?" (original hey?)
person-"Don't you answer your emails?"
me-"Oh, um... yes? But I'm not up yet. Why?"
person-"Well are we still on for coffee?"
me-"Of course. What time were you thinking?"
person-"About 10."
me-"OK, right on, see you soon."

As I start to shake off the urge to fall back asleep, it dawns on me what just happened. Who on earth was that? Must be my friend Dave McKinnon who's on the Island for a few days. He had stopped by last night to say hello, maybe we made plans that I forgot about? So I call Dave. Nope, not him. And as intrigued by the thought of coffee with me, he is indeed working and very busy.
Check my email, nope. Nothing from anyone about coffee at 10. (Now I'm bummed because why doesn't anyone want to make a coffee plan with me for real?)
So, my next thought was OH! It must be my friend Leah's boyfriend Bobby who is doing his practicum at a school down the street from me. And as luck would have it, just as I'm looking into my coffee colander and realize that I don't have enough coffee to make a whole pot, Bobby pulls up in my driveway. Another confusing conversation... but it was just coincidence. It wasn't him that called.
So, then it dawns on me. Call the person back. Duh. So I do. The voice mail said it was some apartment building downtown. So now I'm freaking out. I definitely don't have enough coffee for a whole apartment building. Parking shouldn't be a problem, I'd even venture out to say it's ample. But they all better take it black, and only want a sip or two.

thanks to Bobby L. for the laptop.... I'm back!!

First and foremost, I'm alive and very well.

My computer bit the dust for good, but a laptop was given to me, so walla.... I'm back!!

Secondly, and I really hope this is the only time I have to say anything, but the little pissing contests that are going on here are one step away from being stopped for good. Seriously. I'm really irritated. Just go away. No one puts Mr.Shife in a corner. Oh no, wait, that's Baby, but still, PLEASE just go away. It's pissing me off and so effing stupid. So just stop. Like right now. That includes visiting or commenting here and emailing me. Even FW'd emails. I'm done. I actually thought I made that clear awhile ago. But I guess not.

ANYHOOZLE...On to cool things I've seen that I felt compelled to take a photo of.

Up first? That's right folks... Yoga toes. I'm not sure what to say about them. Part of me wants to try them, part of me wants to find the think tank behind the idea and crack their skulls together. But if I tried them, I'd want to try them in public. Like at a mall or something. Malls really piss my feet off, so I wonder if they'd be less inclinded to trip people if I wore them there.

Seriously. Who would bother?

It's coming up to that time of year where there are serious blood shortages. Go make someones life and donate a pint. Besides, it's the free way to find out your blood type, which I have been a bit obssessed over lately, but that will be for another post.

You may have been one of the fortunate few who have already seen this bumper sticker because I text messeaged it out when I originally saw it, but if you didn't, it's worth the chuckle, so I'm posting it anyway.

So, with the passing of my computer, I also lost blog addresses i had in a favorites folder. If you would like me to once again grace the pages of your blog, leave a comment so I can get to you.

At the request of my fake baby's daddy, TA DA!! A shiny new post...

ha. sea monkeys. I had those. Remember them? From the back of comics back in 'the day'? I was cleaning out their jar one day, and my dad pulled the plug out on the sink and I was absolutely devistated. He told me they would be happier in our septic than in a jar, and I believed him and grieved less than I would have. What an important role dad's play. Especially in the lives of their sad daughter mourning the loss of brine shrimp that she was convinced did indeed dance to music when she played it for them.

He also told me when he dies he wanted to be burried on a golf course with his head above ground so he could still watch golf. As a 7 year old, I pictured visiting my dad on a golf course, not really dead, but very much alive and talking to his head above ground. Wow. Haven't thought about that in YEARS.

Photojojo Newsletters make my mornings.

If you don't already subscribe to this newsletter, I suggest you do before I kill you. Oops! Did I say Kill you? No, no... not kill you, more like just be reconfirmed in the knowledge that you are all a bunch of retards.

So here is an email I wrote them (Them being Photojojo! ).


cher sherwood wrote:
OK, you guys crack me up.
I mean really crack me up.
I think I am falling in love with your newsletter. I keep thinking about it and checking my email for a new one... hoping... will it have emailed me? I feel like a school girl. So, I've been thinking about possibly asking it out on a date. Do you think it would say yes? Where would we go? What would we do? When is it too soon to introduce it to my friends and family? I thought about putting a link to it on my blog but I'm kinda nervous because what if that's like hooking it up with a speed dating deal and someone else scoops it up right out from my clutches? Or what if it just says no?
I guess I should back up a little and just find out if your newsletter is single.


I hope this brought a chuckle to your day there at the office like you do here to me at home :) Keep up the great work guys
Cher

Their response....

Our newsletter is blushing and shuffling its feet and looking at the ground a lot, 'cause it likes you too. We asked. Well, actually, we got our friend to ask 'cause we were too shy, so she passed it a note, and it likes you. So, you know, there's a dance in the auditorium on Friday, so maybe it'll see you there. And stuff. You know, if you don't already have a date. Or whatever.
Kelly
p.s. your email totally made my day!

So here's the link to this super awesome newsletter that is filled with tons of photo ideas. I recommend dropping them a line and letting them know you enjoy it. But whatever you do, don't cramp my style alright? If you could appear ugly even or fat in your email, it would increase my chances of a real date.

WAHOO!

I DID IT!!! I REALLY DID IT!!!

And man...what a RUSH!

I surprised myself at my lack of panic and my clear-headedness as I talked myself into climbing out of the plane and actually letting my hands go. The 5 second free fall while my shoot released was intense to say the least! For those few seconds, I felt panic start to rise, but when the shoot released, it was over and down I floated!

It was absolutely incredible. I can't wait to go again!

crazy meets boredom and insanity kicks in.

Friday, I will take a sky diving course.

Saturday, I am jumping out of a plane.

If you don't see a post here for awhile, it's probably because I'm dead.

simplify

Well hello there my lovelies. I hope you are all well. I wanted to start out with a personal message to my fake babies daddy. Matt, my thoughts are often filled with wanting to take your hurt away. I know i can't do that. Just remember that your mother's spirit is always here. She is just a thought away. I can only imagine how proud she is of the man you are.


So what's new with me you may be wondering. Well, since my last post, Rob and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary. I turned


and had a wonderful birthday weekend.

OK, so on with the show.
if you are new to my blog you should know there is nothing important going on here ever.

like this.
i don't do the hot sauce thing. i really prefer my food plain, but if i was a hot sauce user, i'd be afraid of these products i think. however, on an advertising level, they are amusing.

big nut hey?

i didn't buy this childrens' book, but i did enjoy looking at the pictures. pretty heavy for a kid, but if walt disney can take it upon himself to teach our children about death and loss, so can anyone.
is that blood squirting out of that dolls neck?

that is AWESOME!



I am sick and tired of my life. it is retarded. my house is retarded. the stuff in it is retarded. i have no connection to it and i'm going to sell it all and try a different approach on life. before i know it, 35 more years will have passed and i'll be sitting around still grumbling about how sick i am of this consumeristic society we have created and how i don't want any part of it...still.

so what now?
SIMPLIFY. (that is the sign on the back of our campervan) If i don't start honouring my spirit and living the kind of simple life i want i will surely drive myself insane. I want something else out of life than bigger and better and more...feeling like my possessions own me instead of the other way around.


So, I'm done.
But I'm also motivated.
No one is going to show up at my doorstep and say, "hey Cher, I thought it was time I started going through all your crap and simplify your life for you." its not going to happen.
so my plan...
start looking at where we realistically want to live
go through every corner of this house and put stuff in keep/give away/sell/throw out piles.
sell our house and all our crap
buy some property
travel around in a van when we feel like it
live simply
love much
be happy and in touch with the people i charish and feel a strong connection to.

gonzo is still alive and kicking if anyone wonders

so i guess i'll wrap things up for now. thanks everyone for your emails and comments letting me know you think about me and miss me. it is nice to be missed.

oh, i almost forgot the weirdest update about me of all.

like a month ago i went to bed and everything was normal. when i woke up, i was completely confused as to how i woke up having

.

.

.

Dr. Seus's feet.

weird hey?

40 weeks of fake pregnancy glow is coming to its unend.

Yesterday I went to Costco. When I left, I went to my car, opened the passenger side door and got in with my yogurt and hotdogs on my lap... and then honestly sat there for a good, solid, 4 seconds before it dawned on me that I was alone and driving.









So tomorrow is our fake scheduled c-section for Mr.Shife's and my fake, bastard, virtual love child that doesn't exist... If you have no idea what I'm talking about, shame on you. Keep up. Things move fast around here people... click here and it should catch you up to speed. I'm really excited, and kinda nervous. What kind of fake mother will I be? Will Mr.Shife step up to the virtual plate? Will he continue to deny this fake baby it's fictional birthright? But more importantly, the main question that isn't keeping me up at night is will it even be human?
Over the last 40 weeks, as this pretend fetus hasn't grown in my womb, I've seen several different possibilities of what sort of fake child we could not be bringing into this virtual world. The great part for you, my lovelies, is that I've managed to capture some of this fake baby's fake development on film (ok, Inner Voices, settle down. These are digital). So, here are a few photos I've managed to take in between fake morning sickness and virtual bastard baby brain. I know you all will be with us in the fake delivery room giving us your fake support while nothing really happens.
You probably remember the first two shots.












A baby giraffe? Could we be so lucky Mr.Shife?







I wasn't surprised to see our fake baby morph itself into a mouse.


I was surprised, mind you, to see that this fake baby has already been to Mardi Gras.

The weight of this fictional fetus hasn't taken a tole on my back at all, which is weird. My back hurt a lot in the last trimester with Everett.

40 weeks later... yet, it feels like only moments ago that I could still see my feet.
If I didn't get a picture of it, I'd have a hard time believing that there is a chance that this fake baby may be a 2litre.
Now this was scary. Mr.Shife probably doesn't remember how worried I was that our fake, bastard, love child was actually trying to abort itself.
I didn't need a real Dr to tell me that delivering scissors breach, even fake ones, would have me screaming for drugs.










Mr.Shife is non-responsive (He's so consistent. I fake love it. I always never know where he stands on anything) on his opinion on fake natural childbirth, but I'll tell you this; if this fake spawn ends up being a pineapple in real life, I'm totally taking the drugs. And after, I'll eat it if the munchies set in.

You can never have enough brushes kicking around. So a brush would be cool. Plus, you can just chuck it in a drawer when you need a break from fake loving it.

Considering this made up offspring is half Canadian AND I am the female equivalent to MacGyver I'm thinking a roll of duct tape is highly likely and completely practical.
I'm nervous at the possibility of delivering this wine glass. It's huge. And, well, it's GLASS.
The unreal thought of giving birth to a crack baby is just wrong. Even I can't believe I went there. I'm sure Mr.Shife has less than nothing to say about this possibility. Sometimes saying less is more, you know? I think the saying goes "Silence makes the heart grow fonder" or something like that.


Oh, and on a side note, I think I need to rethink my belt. It looks like its seen better days. And, I suppose it has, considering I got it in grade 10. They don't call me Dr.MakeDo for nothing!

Have a great weekend my lovelies!