Oh and by the way....ME! ME! ME!!!

The holidays are basically officially here. I'm sorry I haven't been around anyone's blogs lately, but I have been really REALLY busy. I haven't even done my picks for Phats yet and I'm sure he's getting paniky. haha... I'll do my best Phats, I really will. I miss you bud.

We put an offer in on a house this morning that I want really badly. It would work out so perfectly in our world it's stupid. So I am waiting to hear back on our offer...which is subject to the sale of our house...which isn't even on the market yet because this has all been a massive whirlwind (considering we had put the thought of selling on hold for the time being). Looks like we will have to get our house in order and fast because we need it to go on the market like Jan 1st!!! Yikes!! If you saw how much there is to do to get that done, you would be rolling your eyes at me and scratching your head as to why I do stuff like this to us. I haven't even had a real chance to get ready for Christmas. We always go over to Vancouver where our families are, and right now I just wish the holidays would go away unnoticed. Fat chance. At any rate, I am going to follow in my fake, bastard, virtual love childs, unsubstanciated fathers' footsteps and let you know that I can't see myself posting until after the holidays and really don't have time to check other blogs for a few weeks. I feel out of touch with everyone already, so I will have to work extra hard at regaining your love when I'm back I'm sure.

Tena, I haven't forgotten about your post. I guess it will be in the New Year after all though. I'm truly sorry!!

So, I thought I'd leave you all with something other than my busted up lip and disgusting cyst to look at over the holidays.

Here are some random things I wanted to share with you...

Hate to eat that bruised banana in your lunch? Here is the solution.

A great book. For the record, Yes, Canadians do say EH, I however am the exception to the rule as it has been pointed out to me that I say HEY, not eh. I blame my mother.
This book would have served me well in my past retail jobs.
This sounds like a lube to me, not detergent. Anyone agree?
Saw this cool chair in a neat store where I'm sure everything was bought "fairly". I sat in it. It was actually comfortable.
A cool, massive amount of some form of seaweed that was on my favorite beach last week.
I loved that you can put these lables on your beer bottle so it doesn't get confused with someone elses. Very clever. When I appreciate things like this, I always have to specify to Rob that those are cool....but don't buy them for me.
Have a safe and happy holidays everyone.

Don't forget how great I am!

I am a walking disaster

Last week I looked like a battered wife. It was rediculous. I bruise easily, and I'm gracefully challenged. Bad combo. Lets get the obvious "she should leave him" photos out of the way first.

ouch 3 teeth through my lip in total.
So, not only did I have the lip thing going on, I had a mystery bruise on my neck that looked really bad. I completely forgot to take a photo. Sorry.
2 weeks ago, I had a cyst on my wrist removed. It was gross. Sexy hey?
I stayed awake and watched the surgery and kept making the Dr. lift up my arm so I could see what he was doing. He thought it was weird that I wanted to watch. I asked if I could video it, but he said no. Rats. I would have. He said "Maybe you missed your calling." I said, "No, I'm pretty sure there's schooling involved to become a surgeon."
So the swelling was crazy and I honestly didn't expect it to hurt so much after.
I tried still wearing my wedding band, but when I woke up and my pinky was numb due to no blood flow, I took it off.
The bruising was intense. This is a pic of the bruise on the palm of my hand. I wasn't supposed to unwrap it, but of course I had to. All the yellow is bruising.

Over a week later.

I know how much you all love to be grossed out by me. So here is the video of my stitch getting taken out. It wasn't nearly as gross as I was hoping.
Ok, so lets re-cap. Busted up lip. Massive black and yellow bruise on my neck. Wrist all bandaged up from what most definately appears to people to be a way to hide my defensive wounds. Could it get worse? Has someone checked me into a battered women's shelter yet? No? Well, what's this on my other arm? A blood clot? An exploded vein from my inevitable IV drug use that would surely make a woman escape from all the beatings? Well, your guess is as good as mine. I'm sure I just wacked it on the corner of something, but regardless, it completed the whole look nicely.
Of course, it too, turned into a very colorful bruise.

In other news, here's a video clip of Crofton grooving to Paul F's awesome Christmas playlist. He's lost 8 pounds! Way to go Paul! Keep it up dude! You can do it. If you feel so inclined, swing by his blog as say some positive words to him. He is a great guy. By the way, I have no idea why this whole paragraph is underlined, how to stop it or make it happen.Hmmm, still underlined. Oh well. But this is a wrap. I hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Belly shot of my not real pregnancy

UPDATE!! I just posted on Awesome Amalgamation... check it out!

Well hello all...

I am trying to come up with something to write for Tena's post. I didn't think it would be this difficult to come up with an idea for someone else's blog. I have a few ideas though...

So, I am 15 1/2 weeks along in this fake pregnancy. This fake bastard embrio of mr.shife's is quite the character already. Sometimes, late at night when I'm really still, I swear I can hear it laughing. It's so cute, it's fake little giggle.

So, we're not sure if it's going to be a girl or a boy, or even human, but there is no doubt in my mind, that this fake, virtual, bastard, love child will be a star.

And the winner is......

First and foremost...HAPPY BIRTHDAY Jblueafterglow and Kingcover!!!

OK, so the winner is ME! yea me!! my poem was definately the best and I think I deserve it. Check it out....

Write a poem about me, the best one will win.

But chosing a winner is awful as sin.

It's true that I'm great, it's true that I'm fun.

It's true that Honkeie2 wants my thumb up his bum.

It's true that my hair's grey underneath all the dye.

It's true that this fake bastard baby's a lie.

Angel didn't enter, and neither did Duck.

Stonelifter's was good, but Kay's said fuck.

Jblue's won my heart, and Phat's didn't try.

Travis's made me laugh and Matt Shanks made me cry.

Mr.Shife forgot-see? Isn't he sweet?

And TWO entries from Tiggy'smum! Are you kidding? What a treat!!

Paul F's was brilliant. It deserves an applaud.

Kingcover-yours was long and loaded with love, too bad it's for Rob.

Innervoices-how lucky is Kay to have in her life such a peach?

But no one, I mean NO ONE makes me laugh like T.Leach.

So Tena, yes Tena, wear your ribbon with pride.

You won my contest. You took it in stride.

(Oh, and if anyone has a problem with that, we can take it outside)

To say I had a hard time chosing a winner is an understatement. All of your poems were awesome!

But decide, I must... so here goes...gulp...

So,the official winner is Tena... and it's a great poem, if i do say so myself! Here it is, for you to read. So Tena...what did you want? To name my virtual, fake, bastard love child? Or a guest spot on your blog? Either way, you are one lucky lady and I'm still great...just not great enough to arrange a real weekend with Phats for you...

A Shaker and Mover who Lives in Vancouver (I actually live in Victoria Tena, but Vancouver's pretty close and it is where is grew up)

First off and foremost, Cher likes Tena most
So move over, Kay. Step out of the way.
You too, Mr. Shife. Cher’s hardly your wife
Angel and Duck: farewell and good luck.

“Write me a poem,” dared our lovable Cher.
Tell me I’m gorgeous. Show me you care.
It better be good or you’d better beware.”
The idea of rhyming gave poor Phats a scare.

Behold Tena’s couplets before your eyes!
Her poem's the best and will win first prize.
No feeble excuses or lame alibis
Cher sends regrets to you other guys.

Those who know Cher will all agree
She’s the most popular blogger ever to be
Her style is unique, her posts make us pee
And best of all, she gives laughs for free.

She’s wacky or tacky, depending on mood.
It’s clear to see that she’s hardly a prude.
A delicate flower, never raunchy or crude
The next thing you know she’ll be posing nude.

No mortal compares to voluptuous Cher
A goddess so lovely, the rest of us stare.
Possessing great beauty’s a burden to bear.
Tell us though, Cher: whazzup with the hair?

Paul F. Congradulations...step up and take a bow... your poem was SO great!!

Paul F. said...
There once was a blogger from Victoria,BC whose VW love borders euphoria, you see.

Her boy always sits on his favorite bathroom throne, while she takes pictures with her camera phone.

She has many people who come to visit her blog because this blogger is certainly no bump on a log.

Some blogs are quite boring or weird or cruel, but this one is vibrant, creative and cool.

So come one and all to this happy place, it's the Nutmeg Hotline and it's in your face!

jblueafterglow (I really had a hard time NOT picking yours. I think where you went wrong was writing a poem so good I read it too much and got sick of it)

A comment on my blog sucked me into Cher's world

My soul promptly changed, she was to blame

Now I know all about this Island girl

With cool-name Rob and Crofton and Whatshisname

Off the top of my head I can tell you she moved

From Chilliwack to Victoria, though why I don't know

I'm not ashamed to admit I got up and grooved

To the sound of her voice on My Point radio

There's a very large part of her heart

Reserved for her beach and of course for VWs

At the sound of the train she lifts her shirt up quicksmart

Please tell the Pipettes to bring me lots of booze

Cher better forever remain a blogger

Otherwise, keep living - why even bother?

stonelifter said...
Cher oh Cher

She who lusts after Kay's hair

She who is a teapot tempest

And loves to run a weird little contest

She who complains her but is saggin'

But cares not because she has a volkswagon

Cher who's little ones cause her strife

Cher who is the light of everyones life

Cher this is my ode too you

Now go wipe up your kids poo

Kay said...
Roses are Red,

Violets are Blue,

I loves me some Cher...

Something Something fuck you.

INNER VOICES said...
I dont know you so this ones on the cuff, im kays friend so that should say enough. your contest sounds fun, ill enter for kay, shes got the runs. you've got readers, cause you post so much, your comments are real, so you've got the touch. when shes done with her chemo, well be drinking beer, maybe at her house, maybe over here. whatever the facts are, i dont give a shit, when we all meet, it'll be a hit! so if i dont win, i'll search you out, and a big fight, hmmm it'll be a bout. cause when i say fuck kanser i never lose, its a saying even YOU can use. so i'll be checking back in, trust me on that, if kay gets too thin, lets make her fat. her entry was worthy ill repeat it next line, todays yer cut off, suits me just fine....roses are red, violets are blue, something, something...fuck you!!

Matthew Shanks(he doesn't blog anymore, but he was the blogger from Bucket of Excreta. which was an AWESOME blog)

here is a haiku. I didn't get much notice, so I decided to stroke your ego instead of come up with something witty.

mother of beauty

hot without smoke or heat

eyes that hypnotize

Travis Erwin said...
She likes, fruit flies, VW Bugs, and being on top.

She has a fake bastard baby in her womb, and a husband named Rob.

Nevermind that she refuses to cook clean, or even mop.

She is the perfect woman, better than a canadian bacon Shish-kabob.

So if you ever find yourself way up B.C way.

Look Cher up, couse I've heard she is one mighty fine ... blogger.

Wow...TWO entires from Tiggysmum-The first a Haiku and the second a Cinquain.

A Canadian
A very witty person
Pregnant with fake seed


Cher
Bright, funny
Blogging, writing, smiling
Someone who likes it on top!
Nutmeg

KINGCOVER's entry

CHER IS AWESOME

Cher is so brilliant

Yes yes it's very true

From morning to night

She tries with all her might.

She's a wonderment to me

And someone I blog about with glee

Ask her to take this thing off my shoulder called a flee

It is always done you see.

Our Cher is fantastic

An all around great gal

Never worries, never frets

She truly is my pal.

When you need her help with something

Sprinting to your aid she comes

It's a bonus when she finds the brakes

I do not want crushed bones.

If you are ever in any doubt

About the friendliness of my friend Cher

Ask the neighbourhood doggies

Oh and the local bear.

I wanted to make this poem really long

To brag and shout about the lady with flare

But instead I'll keep it oh so short

As I am in love with Rob ........ ermm I mean Cher!!!

Phats said...
Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

This Poem Sucks

And So do you! hahaha

Mr. Shife said...
Violets are blue,

Roses are pink,

An ecoli episode from being

my favorite Canadian. Wink. Wink.

T. Leach said...
Shall I compare thee to a Volkswagen bus?

Though art more lovely and less German (as far as I know).

Your trunk has some junk, some cushion for pushin'.

Your grill, your tires, gives my ball joints a smushin'.

That thing in your garage that looked like a phallus?

Who wins the contest, Cher? Please, do tell us.

Just the tip if I win, that's what you said.

Not in your bed though, in the back of the van instead.

Oh T.Leach.... you really really crack me up. thanks for humouring me!