"Nutmeg Hotline...How may I help you?"

The Spring fresh scent of 'Summer's Eve'... may increase risk of a yeast infection

2009-10-28T18:30:00.001-07:00

I'VE BEEN REALLY BUSY...

TODAY I TRIED TO DELIVER BALLOONS TO THE PREMIER OF BC, GORDON CAMPBELL, TO THANK HIM FOR STEALING THE FUTURES FROM CHILDREN WITH AUTISM(AND SPECIAL NEEDS IN GENERAL) BY CANCELLING EARLY INTERVENTION PROGRAMS. SURPRISE....SURPRISE.... NOT ONE PERSON IN HIS WHOLE OFFICE WAS AVAILABLE TO ACCEPT THE DELIVERY ON HIS BEHALF. HMMM, I GUESS PLANNING WAYS TO BE THE BIGGEST, MOST HEARTLESS, MONEY-GRABBING DOUCHE-BAG IN BC TAKES A LOT OF PEOPLE AND A LOT OF TIME.

SAVING THE WORLD IS EXHAUSTING. SO I'M GOING TO TRY THIS APPROACH INSTEAD.

-->click me<--

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I don't know if you have had the chance to check out this documentary or not, but I suggest you click on it and bookmark the link for when you have 40+ minutes to spare. It's a real eye opener and I think it should be mandatory watching for everyone in the world.... unless of course you are a money-grabbing douche-bag. In this case you should have to watch it twice. Daily.

WHERE THERE IS HELP, THERE IS HOPE!!! EIBI program cuts - not funding increases!

2009-10-03T18:37:00.002-07:00

Wanna hear me rant??

Of course you do!
Click here listen specifically from 7:24-18:03 where I manage to stretch out 4 minutes into over 11 :)

then listen specifically from 22:28-24:45 for more

NEXT, click THIS LINK and listen specifically from 56:40-57:55 where you will hear Sean follow up a few things that I didn't get a chance to say on the air.
I have to re-listen, but i think i remember calling the hon. minister mary polak nothing special and a "neuro-typical politician"..... what a mouth piece i can be.

don't forget to check out and join the facebook group Reverse the EIBI/EAIP funding cuts! (BC Autism Funding Cuts)

This is the email that landed me that interview:

As you are aware, the EIBI (Early Autism Intensive Behaviour Intervention) programs have been cut in BC. As of Jan 31, 2010, children under 6 with Autism will no longer have the life-giving essential programs they desperately need to have a chance at a future that is not financially dependant on the govt. These programs prepare and teach children on the spectrum the life skills to successfully enter into our already stretched thin school systems and build the foundations that are needed to be a productive, valuable member of society.

This cause is very real to me. I am a mother of two children currently in this program. My older son was only 19 months old when he entered the EIBI program at the Queen Alexandra Center for Children's Health. He will be 5 in December and is a walking, talking billboard for how effective this program is. He entered a public school Kindergarten this year WITHOUT the aid of a one on on worker. Because of this therapy, he will personally save the govt approximately 2.5 million dollars in financial support throughout his schooling years. Not to mention the undetermined amount of how much financial support would be needed later in his life.

Autistic children grow up to be Autistic adults.

If we invest a minimum of 20 hours per week of this scientifically proven intensive therapy in these children before they are 6, the returns are mind blowing. As a mother, I am outraged at these cuts. As a citizen of BC, I am embarrassed for such heartless cutback decisions. I am not fighting these cuts for my children. When people meet my children today, they do not believe me that they have Autism. This is a direct result of this program. I am fighting these program cuts for every child under 6 who has a diagnosis of Autism and has the right to the same quality of life as a neuro-typical child. I am fighting for those on the wait lists. I am fighting for those children not yet diagnosed.

This is a gross injustice and I shutter when I think of all the lost potential. Will you take a stand with me and everyone else determined to reverse these program cuts? Can I count on you for support?

There is a rally taking place on Wednesday,Oct 7th from 12:30-2:15 pm
We will start at Bastion Square at 12:30 and end at the Legislative Building.
If there is anyway you could possibly pass the information for this rally on, it would be greatly appreciated.
If there is anyway we can count on you for support, please email bcautism@gmail.com and let us know how you will help, or ask us to direct you in a way that we need help.

Please pass along THIS LINK ( http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=134222624507 ) of the facebook group that is packed with information and supporters dedicated to having these program cuts reversed to anyone and everyone you know.

I am attaching a pdf file with the information for the rally. I am also attaching a petition that can be printed off and signed. If anyone takes the time to do this, please contact bcautism@gmail.com and we can arrange to collect them.

Thank you so much for taking a moment to read this email about possibly supporting one of the most important causes facing BC right now. Thank you from me personally, and thank you on behalf of children under 6 in BC with Autism, who deserve a chance at a quality of life equal to every child in BC.

Sincerely,
Cher Sherwood
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Well my Lovelies, I am bagged. I have been fighting a virus for weeks and I swear, if it doesn't pack up and leave my body soon, I am going to start charging it rent. Sleep would be nice, but I'm trying to be realistic and aim low for something along the lines of just good old fashioned silence.

If you are new to my blog, please leave a comment and let me know you stopped by, and if you are one of my loyal fans, please let me know how I can possibly make stalking me easier :P
oxo

RALLY CALL!!

2009-09-30T18:30:00.000-07:00

RALLY CALL!

Come out and show your support to

REVERSE THE EIBI FUNDING CUTS!

When? 12:30pm, Wed. Oct. 7^th

Where? Bastion Square with a march to the Legislative Building. (Victoria B.C.)

Why? To fight the funding cuts to essential Autism programs by the MCFD.

For more information please contact bcautism@gmail.com

Early Autism Intensive Behaviour Intervention Programs shut down

2009-09-29T15:12:00.001-07:00

If you live in BC....

Go Here

Then HERE

Join the group

Then DO SOMETHING!!

There a lot of people working on reversing these funding cuts. It's been an interesting few weeks to say the least. I never thought I'd be involved in press events or interviews with reporters, or speaking to MLA's.... that's a given... but it's all been worth it to look the Hon. Minister Mary Polak right in the eye and call her a liar. I'm pretty sure I won't be on her call back list.

Oprah sinks to all time low in my book...

2009-06-16T12:35:00.000-07:00

um Oprah? Are you serious?

FORESKIN?? What is WRONG with people??

Um, ya, did you get that memo?

2009-03-10T09:30:00.001-07:00

You may have found it easier to get to my blog today. I did indeed take the invite only off in the hopes that certain douches have moved on and will no longer effect my PH levels. My next plan of action will be death threats. After that, I will take DG up on her offer of "taking care" of it for me.

So, now that things are feeling a little back to normal, lets get on with the madness shall we?

Here is something that people who work in an office where co-workers use their mug simply must get. It's a got to have item and a fail safe way to be sure you never get hepatitis.

It will, however, pretty much guarantee you to have unexplained penis breath from the inevitable rim jobs.
(I love how in the ad it says "This cup has a whole in it which prevents MOST people from using it.)

YAAAWN... stretch....scratch

2009-03-09T10:30:00.004-07:00

I think you pretty much get the picture.
Why have I had such a hard time blogging?
I think it's because in real life I suck.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

2009-02-13T23:25:00.003-08:00

If you happen to find yourself with no one to spend Valentine's Day with, I have the perfect suggestion for you.
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Oh, you'd like to hear it?

Well of course you do my lovely.
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Hey! I heard that. What? You think I stopped reading minds? (And that's ridiculous, by the way. I would never suggest something like that.)
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Ok. Here's a clue <= click there
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Awe come on. That was funny.
It's always funny.
Seriously love that.
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So, I was saying, if you find yourself with no one to spend Valentine's Day with, maybe you should give Rick Astley a call. I'm betting he's single. And probably on Lava Life.

No, being single isn't the only thing that makes him Valentine-able.
I can see you're not convinced.
Let me explain it to you through this esthetically pleasing pie chart.
I'm sure once you read it, you too will see the overwhelming evidence that he is in fact saturated in Valentine-able-awesomeness.
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Happy Valentine's Day!

THREE SEA SHELLS

2009-02-09T00:03:00.003-08:00

SON OF A BIC!!*Not my hand...mine is manlier*

I had to take a second look when I first saw this sign. Why? you may ask?

Because it was sitting on this gigantic, yet well priced mudbutt wipe.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who was relieved that the human race is actually not THIS far gone.

Get real. Be honest to yourself and everyone in your life. If you can't be honest, then you need to question WHY?

2009-02-05T10:56:00.002-08:00

I'm frustrated.
Have you ever set clear boundaries only to have those boundaries ignored?
This morning I was pretty sure I was going to delete my blog. The one thought that seemed really sad to me is the history I'd be deleting. My history. The history of friendships that I really enjoy. So I won't. Plus, there are some funny posts that I am actually really proud of. At the risk of sounding cryptic, I am going to be putting a password on my blog or make it invite only. If you don't understand why, then don't worry, chances are you aren't the reason. You may be wondering why I'm announcing this, instead of just doing it. Its partly because I want to give you, my lovelies the heads up, but more importantly, I am sending a message. A message I hope to be taken seriously. If I was to do this privately in an email, I'd be breaking my own personal boundaries I have set for myself.
I have been going through a lot lately. Working through a lot of clutter. It's a daunting, exhausting task setting out to clean your "house". At times I've thought about using my blog as a form of working through some of this clutter. But the shadow of disrespected boundaries lingers and I don't feel comfortable to do so.
SO... Guess what? I'm taking control. I've been doing that in my life, why not my creative outlet? It is, after all, MY blog. And I'm allowing myself to be picky about who is reading the dribble that gets dripped from my mind and smeared on these virtual pages. Most of it is just nonsense. Stuff that amused me that I've come across, thought or seen. But the fact that I don't feel free to share something personal isn't sitting well with me.
I've been focusing on truth. Truth with myself, about myself, about love, relationships and friendships. Speaking the truth is difficult if you are faced with fear of hurting people. I really don't want to cause anyone pain. I want to get back to the point of my blog. My outlet. I don't want to not comment back to people out of fear of encouraging others who are not respecting my wishes and boundaries. It's not fair.
This sign below may seem so mean. Lighten up. I didn't make it. I just thought it was funny.
So, my lovelies, next time you click on my blog and aren't allowed, PLEASE make the effort to be personally invited. I will still be blogging. Not as much as I have at times, a 3 and a 4 year old who suck the life out of me will do that. But deleting it isn't the answer because it makes me sad. I'm tired of struggling with this issue. I'm done.

Now off you go... go on. Do something productive. Think with integrity. Have a fantastic day. And don't forget to trip someone.

Some stuff I've seen

2009-01-24T13:15:00.000-08:00

Hello there my lovelies. I hope you are all well and ready to look at some stuff I've seen.
On with the show, before I walk away from this post and chalk it up to one more thing I never finish...
I'm not sure if it would work as well as the classic voodoo doll, but I bet it has it's own therapeutic properties.
I've seen some weird license plates in my life, but this was one of the weirdest!
NOBODY is as Antonio Banderas as Antonio Banderas... (said in the best Antonio Banderas voice imaginable... Believe it or not, I get to say that sentence at least 8 or 9 times a year)
An ad in the yellow pages that was clever
This guy renewed my love for hating complete strangers.
I guess cows are real spa whores. Something I never knew.
What was wrong with white??
hahaha
Don't get any ideas Quincy.
I think this is an excellent example of how awesome Canadians are. ROAR!! ;)
If I were a boy, I would shove that 5 million dollar ring down her throat...
They lost their day planner on the 24th AND the 25th?? I dare someone to prank call them...
So, there you have it... Some stuff I've seen. Was it worth spending 2 minutes here wasting your precious time reading? Probably not. But it was sure worth procrastinating housework for me to post it! :)

the ultimate morning CD

2009-01-04T09:54:00.000-08:00

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday my Lovelies and thanks for stopping by!
I got a CD player/radio for the shower. Now all I need is some song suggestions that would make a great compilation disc to wake up to.
Let's hear your suggestions of what song you would pick to go on this ultimate morning CD

2008-12-21T12:45:00.001-08:00

So the other day, I'm opening a piece of mail from DG and I'm taken immediately back to elementary school days because there is a scratch and sniff sticker on the back flap! Completely awesome right? Man I loved scratch and sniff stickers... Anyway, I pull the assumed Christmas card out of its envelope and was blown away. It wasn't a Christmas card at all. It was a "just because you're completely awesome" kind of card!! What a moment that is when you realize someone has gone out of their way and made an extra effort to let you know that they enjoy your friendship.

DG, thank you. I know I have sort of milked your prize of random text messages from me from a contest I had ages ago, but I know you don't mind and have come to love them. Even when they are in the middle of the night, not once have you ever complained about either timing or content.

I thought I would take a moment to show you all the card because it is just so appropriate...

Thank you to Mr. and Mrs. Duck for the Christmas card too! Your kids are too cute for words and the Christmas letter is always such a great way to find out how people spent their year. Even if it makes you painfully aware how little you travel and in fact downright boring your life is... ;)

I want to wish you all, my lovelies, a safe and happy holiday. Be good and don't forget to stop in and say hi.

PS. Quincy, I know you are reading this, so I just wanted to remind you that you still owe me $50 from the bet you lost and that your poker face could use a little work.

A mediocre attempt at trying to get back into blogging

2008-12-11T00:27:00.001-08:00

I don't know what's going on with this post, but I don't have time to fiddle with the layout. So here's this post in a nutshell.
1-My hair is pink at the front. Not red. Why do people think it's red? I dunno. I'm bored of it anyway and out of pink dye, so I guess I'll use the purple dye that I have and go back to grey. I mean brown. My mum will be very pleased.
2-I love candy. But candy you can spell stuff with? Seriously awesome. A couple years ago I sent LB Seahag and her cats their names spelled out in candy in a gift box. In return, she sent me really cool stuff that made my gift box seem completely lame. I miss Mel. Her blog was a true inspiration. She put the fun in funny. To see what she got me click here. (Man was my kid a chubbo. Holy crap.)
3-Yesterday I wore a pair of socks that apparently misunderstand their purpose. The purpose of socks, I have been led to believe, is to actually STAY on your whole foot not slip down your heel and bunch up by your toes like the toes are the most important part of the foot. So now my toes are all full of themselves and not working as a unit... as part of a team, and I'm even inclined to say down right belligerent. This morning, one little piggy was all "Hey, where's the yoga toes you promised us?" So I was all "Hey little piggy, check yourself. I didn't promise you jack. In fact, you better watch your attitude. I'm pretty sure I can make it through life with less toes than I have." I thought tough love was the answer. Be firm, you know? Make sure they understand they aren't the boss of the foot. That all parts of the foot are important. Well, let me tell you, no one was more shocked than me when my toes actually flipped me the bird and pitter-pattered to the market without me. SO right now, I'm waiting for them to get back and I am full on stubbing them. Cocky little bastards.

I'm so punk.

2008-12-09T11:16:00.000-08:00

The things I'll do to annoy my mother... haha....
How cool is this yin yang VW sculpture?

This was a funny commercial
I don't know how long its been around for, but it made me smile. Unlike most women, I'd actually prefer the vacuum to the necklace.
But the guy who gave the exercise equipment was awesome!
Have a good day my lovelies

"And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun"

2008-12-08T11:48:00.001-08:00

wrong number

2008-11-28T09:58:00.000-08:00

My phone rang this morning and I answered it, however, the call woke me up so I was groggy to say the least. The call went a little something like this...
me-"Hello?" (original hey?)
person-"Don't you answer your emails?"
me-"Oh, um... yes? But I'm not up yet. Why?"
person-"Well are we still on for coffee?"
me-"Of course. What time were you thinking?"
person-"About 10."
me-"OK, right on, see you soon."

As I start to shake off the urge to fall back asleep, it dawns on me what just happened. Who on earth was that? Must be my friend Dave McKinnon who's on the Island for a few days. He had stopped by last night to say hello, maybe we made plans that I forgot about? So I call Dave. Nope, not him. And as intrigued by the thought of coffee with me, he is indeed working and very busy.
Check my email, nope. Nothing from anyone about coffee at 10. (Now I'm bummed because why doesn't anyone want to make a coffee plan with me for real?)
So, my next thought was OH! It must be my friend Leah's boyfriend Bobby who is doing his practicum at a school down the street from me. And as luck would have it, just as I'm looking into my coffee colander and realize that I don't have enough coffee to make a whole pot, Bobby pulls up in my driveway. Another confusing conversation... but it was just coincidence. It wasn't him that called.
So, then it dawns on me. Call the person back. Duh. So I do. The voice mail said it was some apartment building downtown. So now I'm freaking out. I definitely don't have enough coffee for a whole apartment building. Parking shouldn't be a problem, I'd even venture out to say it's ample. But they all better take it black, and only want a sip or two.

thanks to Bobby L. for the laptop.... I'm back!!

2008-11-24T09:42:00.001-08:00

First and foremost, I'm alive and very well.

My computer bit the dust for good, but a laptop was given to me, so walla.... I'm back!!

Secondly, and I really hope this is the only time I have to say anything, but the little pissing contests that are going on here are one step away from being stopped for good. Seriously. I'm really irritated. Just go away. No one puts Mr.Shife in a corner. Oh no, wait, that's Baby, but still, PLEASE just go away. It's pissing me off and so effing stupid. So just stop. Like right now. That includes visiting or commenting here and emailing me. Even FW'd emails. I'm done. I actually thought I made that clear awhile ago. But I guess not.

ANYHOOZLE...On to cool things I've seen that I felt compelled to take a photo of.

Up first? That's right folks... Yoga toes. I'm not sure what to say about them. Part of me wants to try them, part of me wants to find the think tank behind the idea and crack their skulls together. But if I tried them, I'd want to try them in public. Like at a mall or something. Malls really piss my feet off, so I wonder if they'd be less inclinded to trip people if I wore them there.

Seriously. Who would bother?

It's coming up to that time of year where there are serious blood shortages. Go make someones life and donate a pint. Besides, it's the free way to find out your blood type, which I have been a bit obssessed over lately, but that will be for another post.

You may have been one of the fortunate few who have already seen this bumper sticker because I text messeaged it out when I originally saw it, but if you didn't, it's worth the chuckle, so I'm posting it anyway.

So, with the passing of my computer, I also lost blog addresses i had in a favorites folder. If you would like me to once again grace the pages of your blog, leave a comment so I can get to you.

At the request of my fake baby's daddy, TA DA!! A shiny new post...

2008-09-16T09:51:00.000-07:00

ha. sea monkeys. I had those. Remember them? From the back of comics back in 'the day'? I was cleaning out their jar one day, and my dad pulled the plug out on the sink and I was absolutely devistated. He told me they would be happier in our septic than in a jar, and I believed him and grieved less than I would have. What an important role dad's play. Especially in the lives of their sad daughter mourning the loss of brine shrimp that she was convinced did indeed dance to music when she played it for them.

He also told me when he dies he wanted to be burried on a golf course with his head above ground so he could still watch golf. As a 7 year old, I pictured visiting my dad on a golf course, not really dead, but very much alive and talking to his head above ground. Wow. Haven't thought about that in YEARS.

Photojojo Newsletters make my mornings.

2008-09-09T08:29:00.003-07:00

If you don't already subscribe to this newsletter, I suggest you do before I kill you. Oops! Did I say Kill you? No, no... not kill you, more like just be reconfirmed in the knowledge that you are all a bunch of retards.

So here is an email I wrote them (Them being Photojojo! ).

cher sherwood wrote:
OK, you guys crack me up.
I mean really crack me up.
I think I am falling in love with your newsletter. I keep thinking about it and checking my email for a new one... hoping... will it have emailed me? I feel like a school girl. So, I've been thinking about possibly asking it out on a date. Do you think it would say yes? Where would we go? What would we do? When is it too soon to introduce it to my friends and family? I thought about putting a link to it on my blog but I'm kinda nervous because what if that's like hooking it up with a speed dating deal and someone else scoops it up right out from my clutches? Or what if it just says no?
I guess I should back up a little and just find out if your newsletter is single.

I hope this brought a chuckle to your day there at the office like you do here to me at home :) Keep up the great work guys
Cher

Their response....

Our newsletter is blushing and shuffling its feet and looking at the ground a lot, 'cause it likes you too. We asked. Well, actually, we got our friend to ask 'cause we were too shy, so she passed it a note, and it likes you. So, you know, there's a dance in the auditorium on Friday, so maybe it'll see you there. And stuff. You know, if you don't already have a date. Or whatever.
Kelly
p.s. your email totally made my day!

So here's the link to this super awesome newsletter that is filled with tons of photo ideas. I recommend dropping them a line and letting them know you enjoy it. But whatever you do, don't cramp my style alright? If you could appear ugly even or fat in your email, it would increase my chances of a real date.

WAHOO!

2008-09-01T14:19:00.002-07:00

I DID IT!!! I REALLY DID IT!!!

And man...what a RUSH!

I surprised myself at my lack of panic and my clear-headedness as I talked myself into climbing out of the plane and actually letting my hands go. The 5 second free fall while my shoot released was intense to say the least! For those few seconds, I felt panic start to rise, but when the shoot released, it was over and down I floated!

It was absolutely incredible. I can't wait to go again!

crazy meets boredom and insanity kicks in.

2008-08-27T20:01:00.002-07:00

Friday, I will take a sky diving course.

Saturday, I am jumping out of a plane.

If you don't see a post here for awhile, it's probably because I'm dead.

simplify

2008-08-08T15:18:00.002-07:00

Well hello there my lovelies. I hope you are all well. I wanted to start out with a personal message to my fake babies daddy. Matt, my thoughts are often filled with wanting to take your hurt away. I know i can't do that. Just remember that your mother's spirit is always here. She is just a thought away. I can only imagine how proud she is of the man you are.

So what's new with me you may be wondering. Well, since my last post, Rob and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary. I turned

and had a wonderful birthday weekend.

OK, so on with the show.
if you are new to my blog you should know there is nothing important going on here ever.

like this.
i don't do the hot sauce thing. i really prefer my food plain, but if i was a hot sauce user, i'd be afraid of these products i think. however, on an advertising level, they are amusing.

big nut hey?

i didn't buy this childrens' book, but i did enjoy looking at the pictures. pretty heavy for a kid, but if walt disney can take it upon himself to teach our children about death and loss, so can anyone.
is that blood squirting out of that dolls neck?

that is AWESOME!

I am sick and tired of my life. it is retarded. my house is retarded. the stuff in it is retarded. i have no connection to it and i'm going to sell it all and try a different approach on life. before i know it, 35 more years will have passed and i'll be sitting around still grumbling about how sick i am of this consumeristic society we have created and how i don't want any part of it...still.

so what now?
SIMPLIFY. (that is the sign on the back of our campervan) If i don't start honouring my spirit and living the kind of simple life i want i will surely drive myself insane. I want something else out of life than bigger and better and more...feeling like my possessions own me instead of the other way around.

So, I'm done.
But I'm also motivated.
No one is going to show up at my doorstep and say, "hey Cher, I thought it was time I started going through all your crap and simplify your life for you." its not going to happen.
so my plan...
start looking at where we realistically want to live
go through every corner of this house and put stuff in keep/give away/sell/throw out piles.
sell our house and all our crap
buy some property
travel around in a van when we feel like it
live simply
love much
be happy and in touch with the people i charish and feel a strong connection to.

gonzo is still alive and kicking if anyone wonders

so i guess i'll wrap things up for now. thanks everyone for your emails and comments letting me know you think about me and miss me. it is nice to be missed.

oh, i almost forgot the weirdest update about me of all.

like a month ago i went to bed and everything was normal. when i woke up, i was completely confused as to how i woke up having

Dr. Seus's feet.

weird hey?

40 weeks of fake pregnancy glow is coming to its unend.

2008-05-27T15:30:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I went to Costco. When I left, I went to my car, opened the passenger side door and got in with my yogurt and hotdogs on my lap... and then honestly sat there for a good, solid, 4 seconds before it dawned on me that I was alone and driving.

So tomorrow is our fake scheduled c-section for Mr.Shife's and my fake, bastard, virtual love child that doesn't exist... If you have no idea what I'm talking about, shame on you. Keep up. Things move fast around here people... click here and it should catch you up to speed. I'm really excited, and kinda nervous. What kind of fake mother will I be? Will Mr.Shife step up to the virtual plate? Will he continue to deny this fake baby it's fictional birthright? But more importantly, the main question that isn't keeping me up at night is will it even be human?
Over the last 40 weeks, as this pretend fetus hasn't grown in my womb, I've seen several different possibilities of what sort of fake child we could not be bringing into this virtual world. The great part for you, my lovelies, is that I've managed to capture some of this fake baby's fake development on film (ok, Inner Voices, settle down. These are digital). So, here are a few photos I've managed to take in between fake morning sickness and virtual bastard baby brain. I know you all will be with us in the fake delivery room giving us your fake support while nothing really happens.
You probably remember the first two shots.

A baby giraffe? Could we be so lucky Mr.Shife?

I wasn't surprised to see our fake baby morph itself into a mouse.

I was surprised, mind you, to see that this fake baby has already been to Mardi Gras.

The weight of this fictional fetus hasn't taken a tole on my back at all, which is weird. My back hurt a lot in the last trimester with Everett.

40 weeks later... yet, it feels like only moments ago that I could still see my feet.
If I didn't get a picture of it, I'd have a hard time believing that there is a chance that this fake baby may be a 2litre.
Now this was scary. Mr.Shife probably doesn't remember how worried I was that our fake, bastard, love child was actually trying to abort itself.
I didn't need a real Dr to tell me that delivering scissors breach, even fake ones, would have me screaming for drugs.

Mr.Shife is non-responsive (He's so consistent. I fake love it. I always never know where he stands on anything) on his opinion on fake natural childbirth, but I'll tell you this; if this fake spawn ends up being a pineapple in real life, I'm totally taking the drugs. And after, I'll eat it if the munchies set in.

You can never have enough brushes kicking around. So a brush would be cool. Plus, you can just chuck it in a drawer when you need a break from fake loving it.

Considering this made up offspring is half Canadian AND I am the female equivalent to MacGyver I'm thinking a roll of duct tape is highly likely and completely practical.
I'm nervous at the possibility of delivering this wine glass. It's huge. And, well, it's GLASS.
The unreal thought of giving birth to a crack baby is just wrong. Even I can't believe I went there. I'm sure Mr.Shife has less than nothing to say about this possibility. Sometimes saying less is more, you know? I think the saying goes "Silence makes the heart grow fonder" or something like that.

Oh, and on a side note, I think I need to rethink my belt. It looks like its seen better days. And, I suppose it has, considering I got it in grade 10. They don't call me Dr.MakeDo for nothing!

Have a great weekend my lovelies!

the price is wrong

2008-05-21T09:09:00.005-07:00

OK, at the request of Inner Voices, here is a new post to look at. See how much of a giver I am?
I don't normally cop out with the video post, but this is so funny, its worth the look.
Oh, and if you are at work or have to explain to some lookie loo why you are on a sexually explicit site, you may want to wait until you are alone. The video clip is safe ~ and funny, but the site itself, isn't maybe the best thing for your boss or say, your kids to see.
So click here... I call it "The Price is Wrong" (as if I filmed it myself and deserve full credit...or any credit...)

In other news, the bag below is definitely the coolest bag I have ever received a bundle of hand-me-down kids clothes in.

Rob has some days off and has the kids today..so YEA! A day to myself to do stuff around here that I don't want to do even a little bit. Sweet action.

wiener wiener wiener wiener wiener wiener

2008-05-19T13:52:00.005-07:00

wiener.
wiener.
what a fun word to say.
wiener.

I just want one so bad.

We took the kids to the play Pinnocchio(sp?) last weekend at a highschool. It was the first play they've been to. Everett made it through half of it. During the intermission, I noticed this sign on the gym door. seriously? NO HATS? Why? What on earth for? I can understand food, drinks and ~for sure~ gum. But hats? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? And when will I stop wondering?

I am full on annoying.

2008-05-14T12:20:00.013-07:00

Rob and I went to see Iron Man last night.
It was awesome to get out together, just the two of us.
We had a great time.
We like to talk and laugh loud and really annoy people.
We're really good at it.
I like to wait until it's a really quite part to normally crack a can of something and shake my popcorn up.
I think people, as a species are predisposed to rubbernecking.
It's in our genes.
Yes, I see you.
No, I don't care.
I'm doing it on purpose.
Every time you turn around, I am slightly more pleased with myself.

It was a long movie, and I held my pee like a champ until I was convinced if I didn't go, I'd be peeing on my seat, or, at the very least, peeing a little with each step down the isle.

Obviously, I knew this was going to be a really long pee, so I did what anyone would do ~ get out my cell phone and record it so I can text message some really lucky people. My plan was almost executed flawlessly until I stood up and my cell phone fell in the toilet. Man was I happy that happened. I love stuff like that. It was so awesome sticking my hand past my wrist in my pee to get it out and manically wipe pee water all over my pants and even my shirt to dry it off enough to get the back off to pull the battery out. Sweet action.

Oh, and then Rob and I saw a man fall down the stairs outside.
And I do mean fall.
Totally bail.
I felt slighted that I couldn't get it on video or even a picture of it for you.

After swinging by Erin's for a bit, we went home and I stared at our 3 Scirocco's and felt so happy.

It was a great night.

I'll huff and I'll puff and kick your door in!

2008-05-08T11:40:00.001-07:00

~I've kicked two doors open this month. How bad assed is that?

~I keep forgetting I have a meeting until my doorbell rings. Entirely too many people have seen me in my pajamas. I love pretending that I knew they were coming and that my plan was to just be in my pajamas.

~Gluten TIDBITS? Seriously? eweeee

~I watched American Gangster. It took me a couple days because I am the Queen of distractions. My favorite thing in the whole movie was seeing the VW Squareback that Russell Crow was driving. It was so cool to hear how it sounds too. Man I have to get back to my project car.

~Facebook has been a fun time killer. It's been neat checking out photos of people I'd lost contact with. I have also really enjoyed giving Carl the last word. Man he's needy.

~My new favorite expression

ramble much?

2008-05-02T12:00:00.003-07:00

~~I am my own worst constant distraction.
~~um, anyone else wonder if the other yams are jealous?
~~Why is it exactly that Madonna only has 4 minutes to save the world?
~~I started working out again. Now if I can only lay off the bread for a while, I just might see some results... other than more energy to eat more bread.
~~The only thing you can control in life is your reaction.

~~I have a really bad habit of starting things and not finishing them. This includes a sketchbook full of unfinished drawings. Here is a great example of one of my many unfinished drawings. This is Kay, who I miss dearly, but seem to suck at my end of the friendship.
~~My friend Tanya left a message on my answering machine ages ago that I still think about. It went something like this... "Hi, I just thought you should know that I think Gilbert Grapes' mother is actually eating Gilbert Grape. click."
~~I am not down with Posh Spices popularity.
~~I really enjoyed Jon Bon Jovi in the movie 'The Brave One'. He looked a bit like Jodi Foster though. It was confusing.

RSD has met its match. And it's going to lose.

2008-04-10T11:00:00.004-07:00

HERE I AM! Again, thanks you guys for caring enough to wonder how I've been.

ok, so what have I been up to?

Besides the obvious "KIDS" reality of busy, I've been giving most of my attention to my friend Erin. My friend Erin is a very sick lady who has had the worst hand dealt to her than anyone I have met to date. What's wrong with her? She has a condition called RSD. It is also referred to as CRPS (<-that was a link...click on it to open)

It's a debilitating condition to have.

Everyday, Erin blows my mind. She gets up. She gets dressed. She endures more pain than one person should ever experience in a lifetime... everyday... every minute of everyday. Pain is measured on a pain scale called the VAS scale which is out of 50. So, for example, someone who is dying of cancer, experiences pain somewhere around a 27-28/50. People with RSD experience pain levels of around 42-43/50! So, ya, try and wrap your brain around that for a second. It's just nuts. Her support system is very, very small. The lack of education in Dr's worldwide is ridiculous, and as you can imagine, getting support from your Dr is almost unheard of. RSD effects 1 in 60. That is nuts to me, considering everyone I've talked to about it has never heard of it either... including Dr's! What does this tell me? RSD needs awareness desperately.

There is a Dr, however, (Dr.Schwartzman) (<- click that link!! and then after you read that page, scroll to the bottom and click on the next link for the CNN report) who has created a treatment that is being practiced in Mexico and Germany. It is a coma treatment. A Ketamine Coma, to be exact. I don't know a lot about the drug itself (yet!), other than when someone with out of control RSD goes under a 5-7 day self induced coma, they are having amazing results. These people, desperate for some kind of quality of life, can get back to something like 60% less pain, which to someone living with so much pain, 60% less pain is a life saver. Literally. What is the main cause of death with people with RSD you ask? Suicide. So, um, ya.

Needless to say, I've been doing a lot of research and praying. Both of which seem to be working. The chain of events that have been unfolding in the last several weeks is mind boggling, at a very real level. When prayer is answered, it tends to make itself very clear. So the good news for Erin right now is we actually got her a date to see Dr. Robert Schwartzman on October 19/2009! Her appointment will be with him in Philadelphia. So... yea! ROAD TRIP! The cost of the coma is around $20,000 US... so needless to say, I will be getting a fundraiser of some sort together VERY very soon. It will cost less than $500 to actually go see this Dr. for the initial appointment, plus airfare, etc.

Erin has endured the gripping clutches of RSD for 9 years and is the strongest person I have ever met in my life. The way this woman copes with the amount of pain she is in would shut you up forever about your daily aches and pains or some old football knee injury. Like I said, she amazes me. Completely wows me. I wish I had one tenth of her strength. This is a woman who was a triathlete- a gardener/landscaper- a home care worker- a body builder- a writer- key word? WAS. Still though, years later, she has not even fully accepted being sick and refuses to give in to pain. She keeps going. She fights it with every ounce of her being.

It is interesting to sit back and realize why someone has been brought into your life. You may be thinking that Erin has been brought into my life so she could get a support system in place, learn about some new and promising treatments, hook her up with a few appointments, fill some small need that would help her days be a little less challenging, or even just to be the person who LISTENS to her. Who has UNDERSTANDING and wants to help...NEEDS to help, but I will disagree with you. Erin has been brought into my life because I desperately need her. From the moment she entered my life, she has been one of the reasons I've made it through MY days. She is MY rock and I love her completely and unconditionally. She is wise beyond her years. I don't want to take the focus off of her and put it onto me by listing off the hundreds of things she brings to my life. She is thoughtful and caring and loving and as I'm sure you could guess, as funny as me. The belly laughs that this woman evokes out of me is always just what I need at the right moment. Not to mention the joy she brings to my children's lives.

So, my friends, please... please don't disregard this post as something you feel bad about but can't do anything about. Because there is. I will be figuring out this whole fundraising thing. I've never had to even think about raising money before. I'm not really sure where to start. So, I guess I can call this post my start. If any of you out there have any fundraising experience, please contact me with suggestions or ideas or advice on anything you think might make this whole process smooth and effective.

Pain is her reality. It doesn't have to be this way.

I love this photo of her.

She is so beautiful.

Her smile lights up a room.

Her friendship lights up my life.

She smiles through her pain.

She keeps smiling inspite of it.

I am so honored to be her friend.

Erin, I love you Sweetgirl.

Thank you for chosing me as your friend.

daddy's gonna eat your fingers

2008-03-28T11:28:00.001-07:00

HELLO!
It's been a while.
My house is well on its way to being back to healthy!
No mudbutt for two days! Keep your fingers crossed for me that we actually get a bit of a break from being sick.

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGER (a joke for you)

I was packing for my business trip (no, not ME.. pay attention. This is a joke remember?) and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them. I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, 'What's wrong, honey?' She replied, 'What happened to my booger?'

LOL...

have a great weekend~!

Keep your eyes open and your cameras out! you never know what you may see!

And remember, I'm fantastic!

Fake pregnancy update

2008-03-18T11:39:00.001-07:00

I'd like to thank everyone for all your support during this faux pregnancy I find myself in. It has really meant the world to me. If you don't know what I am talking about, shame on you for not doing your homework. Yes, my past posts are worth reading people. Some of my funnier stuff is buried deep in my archives. So, if you are out of the loop, Click here to get caught up

So, an update. I am doing well. As expected. I am saturated in awesome right? so of course this fake pregnancy is just completely awesome too. I am in my 30th week now, according to Phats. My due date should be May 31st.

It's weird, this pregnancy. Not like my last two. I had heartburn horribly with both Crofton and Everett. I used to eat Tums in my sleep. But not this time. Nope. No heartburn here! It's almost like I'm just not pregnant at all. In fact, if it wasn't for Phats dropping the pregnancy bomb, I may have actually missed it all together.

You may be wondering how Mr.Shife is doing through all of this. Well, quite frankly, so am I. So I asked him. He honestly is just the perfect fake father for this fake virtual bastard love child that doesn't exist. When I asked him if he had anything to add to this post, he ever so sweetly said "I've got nothing. Sorry." Sorry? See? Isn't he just the best? Man I fake love him. Fer reals yo.

So, here is the latest belly shot I have for you. Nice of me, I know. You're welcome. But I have to be honest, I'm a little stressed thinking about the looming labor. I'm picturing the labor to be extremely slow, having a crappy heating system, very noisy and quite possibly, rust.

I have started to compile a list of people who would be willing to babysit on occasion. If you are interested, please let Mr.Shife or I know

Cougar Attack

2008-03-07T10:23:00.001-08:00

At first I was all proud of myself for making the cover of Canadian Geographic. Then I realized they weren't talking about me.
It seems I have some real competition out there. I'm going to have to up my game!

Random photos

2008-03-04T12:10:00.002-08:00

I could kick myself for not looking inside this box. This is a bin in the military dr's building. I think it's called the M.R.I. Anyway, I'm not sure what kind of disasters there are preparations for in this bin, but I'm assuming it's actually only good for those 'minor disasters". (click on photo to enlarge)

Moving along, this is a restaurant called Christie's. They have the normal stuff you can buy at restaurants. You know, t-shirts, hats, pint glasses...

Upon closer inspection, what is this? Glasses? Neat. Do they have the restaurants name on them? NO. Are they sunglasses, so if you sit on the outside deck you can protect your eyes from the suns harmful rays? NO. They are normal everyday, over the counter reading glasses. Um, ya. OK then.

Lets continue to move along. How about this sweet-assed mullet spotting? I wish I could have gotten a pic from the front, but I had to go laugh my head off.
beauty hey?
Have a great day people.
Man I rule.

roll the bones

2008-02-26T16:43:00.000-08:00

Have you ever spent an entire evening in the emergency waiting room? It's enough to send you over the proverbial edge.

You may or may not know how sick my kids have been this last year. but it's beyond ridiculous. They have been passing a virus back and forth for entirely too long. It just seems that they are never completely well. Once in a while, this virus takes up residence in my body too, which is nice. I don't like feeling excluded.

Aaaanyway, between Dr. visits and walk in clinics, I sometimes swing by "emerg" (as we regulars call it), you know, just for kicks. Well, to say that this was just about my worst nightmare come true is an understatement. You know that instant when you are totally freaked? Like right to your core freaked? Well, as if someone had a camera and actually managed to capture the exact moment when my heart slipped up into my throat.

I don't know what this skeleton had in mind exactly, but once I got my wits about me, I round housed him in the teeth and split.

2008-02-20T11:20:00.000-08:00

I was at my friend Erin's the other day and we were completely glued to watching this show called Canada's Worst Driver (I think). Anyway, it was just insane at what was being pawned off to us as driving. It was hard to look away. I mean, who drags a 3 point turn out into a 22 point turn and hits 16 things doing it? As a really good driver, I feel completely justified exploiting this girl who actually lives in my town, Victoria BC. So, due to the fact that her over-applied make-upped ass was already exploiting its own self on TV, here is what Erin and I couldn't stop laughing about. And I mean seriously. Her driving was just crazy. But when she can't drive because she's applying make up and changing staletto heels, she stultified herself.

Erin and I both are convinced we have seen her before and plan on hunting her down for a hopeful impromptu interview on my blog.

Lazy bastard babies

2008-02-14T12:41:00.001-08:00

I say KUDOS to the advertising genius behind this marketing idea. The younger we can start people off with low self-images, the better. Life sucks. People are mean. Lets face it, what better gift is there for your toddlers' third birthday than the gift of poor body image... in essence, the gift of truth. Nothing says unconditional love like all-out-nasty.

So come on kid. You're not getting any younger. Get up and do your cardio or you will be late for daycare.

Hey everybody, thanks for your concern.
We have been enjoying the company of the flu virus lately. It came by quite unexpectly and has made itself quite at home and I can't say I blame it. If I was a flu virus, I'd probably chose me too. I am just that awesome.

Are you a rockstar?

2008-02-12T09:33:00.000-08:00

I swiped this off of my fake baby's daddy's blog.

Just follow these simple directions to come up with your own imaginary band's first album cover and title

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:RandomThe random article title is the name of your band.

2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3The last four words of the very last quote is your album name.

3. http://flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/The third picture, no matter what it is, is your album cover.

So, my band name is GASTRITIS

The album name is "Is doing the thinking"

and this is the cover photo

I'm alive, just busy.

2008-02-08T11:29:00.000-08:00

I'm having a hard time fitting in blogging lately. Please bare with me. Your patience is expected. I mean appreciated.
To answer your question BBC, No, that wasn't a paperclip for an ear piece. You can clearly see in the whole photo that it is just a regular paperclip I am using while out and about on an adventure with some friends I stole from my friend Mike. It was a challenge we had to see who could steal the most friends off of each others facebook accounts. I think there was about 7 photo albums in total of friends I stole from Mike and all the fun things we did behind his back. Needless to say, I won and he had to buy me wings. If you want to check out the photo albums, do a search for me Cher Sherwood on facebook. You will recognize my giant eye. I recommend you look at the albums in order if you do bother to check it out.

So, Inner Voices is threatening to post naked pictures of BBC if I don't post. And BBC, no offence, I'm sure you are just lovely naked, I just thought I'd be safe rather than sorry.

OK, so a Cher update. Some people are wondering what's going on with the house. No, I still don't have our house on the market. It's close though. But man being lazy sure gets in the way of doing stuff around here. We let the house go that we had an offer on, because when it came down to it, it just wasn't quite right. I am looking everyday, but we are leaning more towards something we can fix up and flip. My brother is willing to come, do the work, and split the profit. He is an amazingly talented and saught after builder, so we want to jump on this opportunity and use him for every last square inch of talent he has, to profit financially. I think it's really important to use family members as much as possible. It means you generally use your friends less. Besides, I choose my friends based on looks. So, as far as using them goes, they are really more of a pretty face deal.

In other news...

Um...ya.

My brain is cloudy. I can't snap out of it.

2008-02-04T11:40:00.000-08:00

You like the way I think hey?

I can't get her to work properly. Click here to see her in action

If your see this lady turning clockwise you are using your right brain.
If you see it the other way, you are using left brain.
Some people do see both ways, but most people see it only one way.
See if you can make her go one way and then the other by shifting the brain's current.
BOTH DIRECTIONS CAN BE SEEN
Experimentation has shown that the two different sides, or hemispheres, of the brain are responsible for different manners of thinking.

The following table illustrates the differences between leftbrain thinking and right brain

Left Brain:
Logical
Sequential
Rational
Analytical
Obejctive
Looks at parts

Right Brain:
Random
Intuitive
Synthesizing
Subjective
Looks at wholes
Most individuals have a distinct preference for one of these styles of thinking. Some, however, are more whole-brained and equally adept at both modes. In general, schools tend to favor left-brain modes of thinking, while downplaying the right-brain ones. Left-brain scholastic subjects focus on logical thinking, analysis, and accuracy. Right-brained subjects, on the other hand, focus on aesthetics, feeling, and creativity. Some found that if they look at her middle peripherally, she will switch direction!

BBC sent me this post in an email, actually. What I found interesting, was when it mentioned that schools tend to focus on left-brain thinkers. This got me to thinking...maybe this is why I did so poorly in school. Then I remembered how little I actually went, especially in the later grades... you know, the grades that actually counted.

trying to redeem myself

2008-02-01T16:50:00.000-08:00

It's been brought to my attention that my last post may have harmed my image.

And I quote...cecile-"Thanks for showing us your sensitive side, but unfortunately, you have now shattered the "Tough as nails" persona I had built of you. Now I'm going to have to envision a new Cher, one with a soft and gentle side."

And from my friend Jerome in an email subjected "That was very sensitive of you" he says, "...so much so, I have to ask you who wrote your Jan 31st blog? Did you plagarize that from a Counselling 101 paper???" My friend Jerome will be gracing the pages of my blog soon. Very soon. I have a little something down in my drafts, but it needs work. We went to highschool together. I will be posting some of the mayhem we created.

So here I am, madly typing away...something...anything to send the last post a little farther down the page so people will recognize me and know they are on the right blog.

the heart can be a strange twisted muscle of hurt

2008-01-31T17:11:00.000-08:00

I have some friends that are going through (or recently gone through)break ups.

It sucks when your heart is breaking and you feel helpless and would do anything to get back what you had. You feel like no one could possibly understand the depth of the love you have lost. Tears stream down your face. You barely feel them. Never mind able to control them. Even more, you don't really want them to stop. There is some kind of strange comfort in knowing at least you feel pain. Pain caused by someone you love; or by you to someone you love. Maybe because the pain is at least attatched to your love somehow... twisted, bitter-sweet pain. Knawing at your empty stomach...turning it inside out so much that the thought of food is ridiculous.

empty

regret

ache

desperate

alone

lost

why
numb

confused

broken

hurt

These are just a handful of the words that have been spoken( sometimes whispered through sobs) during lengthy conversations.

If you are like me, you feel for your friends. You want to take their pain away. You want to say that everything will be ok and mean it. But you can't. Not really.

By far not the funniest post I've ever written. In fact, there isn't anything funny about it. But it is probably the most heartfelt. And for the record, my dear friends, I love you very much. Thank you for sharing such personal memories and pain with me. I am honored to know you and call you my friends.

Twirl THIS

2008-01-29T10:50:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry but this guy is just completely too comfortable behind this table.

His punishment for being a complete dork?

He is being exploited on my blog.

kelped to death

2008-01-26T14:19:00.000-08:00

So, you all remember my favorite beach right? Granted, its colder out and I'm not spending as much time down there lately, but I still make my appearance at least twice a week. Well, Everett and I were just hanging out there, minding our own business when I suddenly felt something slithering up my leg. I looked down and saw the freakiest thing ever. I was being attacked by some crazy kelp with killin' on its mind. Don't believe me? Check it out. It was awful. I was terrified.
I barely escaped with my life.
Stop laughing.
I'm still shaking.
Looks like some other beach go-er wasn't so lucky.

Poor bastard.

Needless to say, I'll be packin' some heat with me next time I go.

how many 5 year olds can you take in a fight?

2008-01-25T20:45:00.000-08:00

UPDATE:
So duck pointed out that this link doesn't quite work properly. Rob tried to do the quiz too, and after going through the questions, he kept getting brought to a dating site. I suggested it was maybe because he was the perfect specimen or something, that rather than waste his time fighting 5 year olds, he should get busy and start dating. It seemed a logical explanation. Stonelifter can take 20, after reasking him for the link, Rob was able to take 30 of the little bastards (a smidge less than the 50 he was convinced he could handle, I might add). I guess I'm not so bad assed after all.
15 thanks stonelifter for this link.

Tribute To Kevin's Hair

2008-01-24T09:52:00.001-08:00

this video was funny to me. A couple days ago I got a text message from Rob saying "I want to bath in Kevin's hair" it made me laugh out loud because I had forgotten all about this video.

I hope you all are having a great day my little lovelies. Actually, I don't.
And to quote T Leach, "cheap bastards". How dare I entertain you to the degree I do and you can't find it in your tiny, loveless, ungrateful hearts to buy me a coffee. You are indeed a sorry bunch of bloggers.

welcome to the world. please know it's NOT all about you.

2008-01-21T10:27:00.000-08:00

So our tenants just had a baby boy a few days ago. he's perfect and smells really good.

i'm trying to decide what to get him.

either of these seemed pretty cute
i think i should go sniff him again.

man someone should bottle that smell.

buy me a coffee!!!!!

2008-01-18T12:38:00.000-08:00

NOT the best way to start off a morning. In fact, considering my relationship with coffee, it is basically the worst way for me to start a day.

So don't you feel bad for me dropping my coffee? Really? Awe, thanks. That's so sweet. If you really felt bad though, you would go to this link and buy me a coffee. Its easy and painless and you will be a better person because of it. my Starbucks card# is 6029037102347474 and the pin#is 08405593 a friend of mine said there is no way people would do this. I say that's not only wrong, but completely ridiculous. Of course you will. now go! ...click ... make my day!

this is my brother Phil
this is me
this is us morphed.
weird hey?
have a great weekend my lovelies!

guest poster takes over world

2008-01-17T09:05:00.000-08:00

this cracked me up this morning.

so i finally got off my lazy butt and did Tena's guest post.
check it out here...

hope you all have a simply splendid day.

2008-01-10T09:53:00.000-08:00

Oh my lovelies... wow, that word just creeped me out. Put a space between it and the truth kinda comes out doesn't it? I just wanted to put a little personal touch back into my blog and let you all know that I hear you, my sweet, sweet little bloggers. Oh how fondly I look back at all our little inside jokes that are only funny to us and think, Man, I'm really freakin' funny. And you...you all, you're just so cute with your flowers and fanmail. Without you all, I, yes I, the me that exists here in both blogland and reality, wouldn't be possile.

Man I love talking like that. It's retarded. You should hear my voicemail message, never mind see my wallpaper. And by wallpaper, I do mean the kind you put on your wallz. Not on your computer screen. My wallpaper on my computer screen is obviously all me, all the time. That's right, I web cam myself all day. Haha, sorry. I'm just laughing at the thought.

Soooo annnyhoo. Enough about me. Well, for now. On with some crap I took pictures of.

So what do we have here?

That's right, possibly one of the ugliest families anywhere. There should be a show called "Ugly Families you are forced to look at because killing is politically incorrect".. I'd watch it. Actually, I'd probably produce it. I have no shame. The ugly mother was looking right at me.

Oh, it gets worse, trust me. This is their other ugly offspring.

Now this is their ugly offspring caught on tape picking her nose...and eating it.

So, I'm one of the clumsiest people ever, but breaking this mirror, I'm pretty sure, has more to do with bad karma rather than being a total clutz. I have a feeling the jig is up.

My first stroke of bad luck...

It actually took so to long to get into this roll that I more or less just drip dried.

Canada vs. America

2008-01-09T09:52:00.001-08:00

OK, I know you all probably think I am cheesing out by posting videos instead of posting something personal, and you are absolutley right. I'm sorry. I'm too busy right now to even think straight. I miss you all....not enough to stop by your blogs, mind you, but I miss you none the less.

Hope you all had a good holiday. And remember, it's ok to miss me. And it's definately ok to let me know how much. ;)

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars (US Version)

2008-01-03T08:43:00.001-08:00

This song makes me think of a big grassy field in the middle of nowhere on a really mild evening completely lost as someones world comes crashing down around them.

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars Lyrics

We'll do it all Everything On our own We don't need Anything Or anyone If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? I don't quite know How to say How I feel Those three words Are said too much They're not enough If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life Let's waste time Chasing cars Around our heads I need your grace To remind me To find my own If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life All that I am All that I ever was Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see I don't know where Confused about how as well Just know that these things will never change for us at all If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Oh and by the way....ME! ME! ME!!!

2007-12-21T13:10:00.000-08:00

The holidays are basically officially here. I'm sorry I haven't been around anyone's blogs lately, but I have been really REALLY busy. I haven't even done my picks for Phats yet and I'm sure he's getting paniky. haha... I'll do my best Phats, I really will. I miss you bud.

We put an offer in on a house this morning that I want really badly. It would work out so perfectly in our world it's stupid. So I am waiting to hear back on our offer...which is subject to the sale of our house...which isn't even on the market yet because this has all been a massive whirlwind (considering we had put the thought of selling on hold for the time being). Looks like we will have to get our house in order and fast because we need it to go on the market like Jan 1st!!! Yikes!! If you saw how much there is to do to get that done, you would be rolling your eyes at me and scratching your head as to why I do stuff like this to us. I haven't even had a real chance to get ready for Christmas. We always go over to Vancouver where our families are, and right now I just wish the holidays would go away unnoticed. Fat chance. At any rate, I am going to follow in my fake, bastard, virtual love childs, unsubstanciated fathers' footsteps and let you know that I can't see myself posting until after the holidays and really don't have time to check other blogs for a few weeks. I feel out of touch with everyone already, so I will have to work extra hard at regaining your love when I'm back I'm sure.

Tena, I haven't forgotten about your post. I guess it will be in the New Year after all though. I'm truly sorry!!

So, I thought I'd leave you all with something other than my busted up lip and disgusting cyst to look at over the holidays.

Here are some random things I wanted to share with you...

Hate to eat that bruised banana in your lunch? Here is the solution.

A great book. For the record, Yes, Canadians do say EH, I however am the exception to the rule as it has been pointed out to me that I say HEY, not eh. I blame my mother.
This book would have served me well in my past retail jobs.
This sounds like a lube to me, not detergent. Anyone agree?
Saw this cool chair in a neat store where I'm sure everything was bought "fairly". I sat in it. It was actually comfortable.
A cool, massive amount of some form of seaweed that was on my favorite beach last week.
I loved that you can put these lables on your beer bottle so it doesn't get confused with someone elses. Very clever. When I appreciate things like this, I always have to specify to Rob that those are cool....but don't buy them for me.
Have a safe and happy holidays everyone.

Don't forget how great I am!

I am a walking disaster

2007-12-15T16:40:00.000-08:00

Last week I looked like a battered wife. It was rediculous. I bruise easily, and I'm gracefully challenged. Bad combo. Lets get the obvious "she should leave him" photos out of the way first.

ouch 3 teeth through my lip in total.
So, not only did I have the lip thing going on, I had a mystery bruise on my neck that looked really bad. I completely forgot to take a photo. Sorry.
2 weeks ago, I had a cyst on my wrist removed. It was gross. Sexy hey?
I stayed awake and watched the surgery and kept making the Dr. lift up my arm so I could see what he was doing. He thought it was weird that I wanted to watch. I asked if I could video it, but he said no. Rats. I would have. He said "Maybe you missed your calling." I said, "No, I'm pretty sure there's schooling involved to become a surgeon."
So the swelling was crazy and I honestly didn't expect it to hurt so much after.
I tried still wearing my wedding band, but when I woke up and my pinky was numb due to no blood flow, I took it off.
The bruising was intense. This is a pic of the bruise on the palm of my hand. I wasn't supposed to unwrap it, but of course I had to. All the yellow is bruising.

Over a week later.

I know how much you all love to be grossed out by me. So here is the video of my stitch getting taken out. It wasn't nearly as gross as I was hoping.
Ok, so lets re-cap. Busted up lip. Massive black and yellow bruise on my neck. Wrist all bandaged up from what most definately appears to people to be a way to hide my defensive wounds. Could it get worse? Has someone checked me into a battered women's shelter yet? No? Well, what's this on my other arm? A blood clot? An exploded vein from my inevitable IV drug use that would surely make a woman escape from all the beatings? Well, your guess is as good as mine. I'm sure I just wacked it on the corner of something, but regardless, it completed the whole look nicely.
Of course, it too, turned into a very colorful bruise.

In other news, here's a video clip of Crofton grooving to Paul F's awesome Christmas playlist. He's lost 8 pounds! Way to go Paul! Keep it up dude! You can do it. If you feel so inclined, swing by his blog as say some positive words to him. He is a great guy. By the way, I have no idea why this whole paragraph is underlined, how to stop it or make it happen.Hmmm, still underlined. Oh well. But this is a wrap. I hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Belly shot of my not real pregnancy

2007-12-08T13:37:00.000-08:00

UPDATE!! I just posted on Awesome Amalgamation... check it out!

Well hello all...

I am trying to come up with something to write for Tena's post. I didn't think it would be this difficult to come up with an idea for someone else's blog. I have a few ideas though...

So, I am 15 1/2 weeks along in this fake pregnancy. This fake bastard embrio of mr.shife's is quite the character already. Sometimes, late at night when I'm really still, I swear I can hear it laughing. It's so cute, it's fake little giggle.

So, we're not sure if it's going to be a girl or a boy, or even human, but there is no doubt in my mind, that this fake, virtual, bastard, love child will be a star.

And the winner is......

2007-12-04T14:22:00.000-08:00

First and foremost...HAPPY BIRTHDAY Jblueafterglow and Kingcover!!!

OK, so the winner is ME! yea me!! my poem was definately the best and I think I deserve it. Check it out....

Write a poem about me, the best one will win.

But chosing a winner is awful as sin.

It's true that I'm great, it's true that I'm fun.

It's true that Honkeie2 wants my thumb up his bum.

It's true that my hair's grey underneath all the dye.

It's true that this fake bastard baby's a lie.

Angel didn't enter, and neither did Duck.

Stonelifter's was good, but Kay's said fuck.

Jblue's won my heart, and Phat's didn't try.

Travis's made me laugh and Matt Shanks made me cry.

Mr.Shife forgot-see? Isn't he sweet?

And TWO entries from Tiggy'smum! Are you kidding? What a treat!!

Paul F's was brilliant. It deserves an applaud.

Kingcover-yours was long and loaded with love, too bad it's for Rob.

Innervoices-how lucky is Kay to have in her life such a peach?

But no one, I mean NO ONE makes me laugh like T.Leach.

So Tena, yes Tena, wear your ribbon with pride.

You won my contest. You took it in stride.

(Oh, and if anyone has a problem with that, we can take it outside)

To say I had a hard time chosing a winner is an understatement. All of your poems were awesome!

But decide, I must... so here goes...gulp...

So,the official winner is Tena... and it's a great poem, if i do say so myself! Here it is, for you to read. So Tena...what did you want? To name my virtual, fake, bastard love child? Or a guest spot on your blog? Either way, you are one lucky lady and I'm still great...just not great enough to arrange a real weekend with Phats for you...

A Shaker and Mover who Lives in Vancouver (I actually live in Victoria Tena, but Vancouver's pretty close and it is where is grew up)

First off and foremost, Cher likes Tena most
So move over, Kay. Step out of the way.
You too, Mr. Shife. Cher’s hardly your wife
Angel and Duck: farewell and good luck.

“Write me a poem,” dared our lovable Cher.
Tell me I’m gorgeous. Show me you care.
It better be good or you’d better beware.”
The idea of rhyming gave poor Phats a scare.

Behold Tena’s couplets before your eyes!
Her poem's the best and will win first prize.
No feeble excuses or lame alibis
Cher sends regrets to you other guys.

Those who know Cher will all agree
She’s the most popular blogger ever to be
Her style is unique, her posts make us pee
And best of all, she gives laughs for free.

She’s wacky or tacky, depending on mood.
It’s clear to see that she’s hardly a prude.
A delicate flower, never raunchy or crude
The next thing you know she’ll be posing nude.

No mortal compares to voluptuous Cher
A goddess so lovely, the rest of us stare.
Possessing great beauty’s a burden to bear.
Tell us though, Cher: whazzup with the hair?

Paul F. Congradulations...step up and take a bow... your poem was SO great!!

Paul F. said...
There once was a blogger from Victoria,BC whose VW love borders euphoria, you see.

Her boy always sits on his favorite bathroom throne, while she takes pictures with her camera phone.

She has many people who come to visit her blog because this blogger is certainly no bump on a log.

Some blogs are quite boring or weird or cruel, but this one is vibrant, creative and cool.

So come one and all to this happy place, it's the Nutmeg Hotline and it's in your face!

jblueafterglow (I really had a hard time NOT picking yours. I think where you went wrong was writing a poem so good I read it too much and got sick of it)

A comment on my blog sucked me into Cher's world

My soul promptly changed, she was to blame

Now I know all about this Island girl

With cool-name Rob and Crofton and Whatshisname

Off the top of my head I can tell you she moved

From Chilliwack to Victoria, though why I don't know

I'm not ashamed to admit I got up and grooved

To the sound of her voice on My Point radio

There's a very large part of her heart

Reserved for her beach and of course for VWs

At the sound of the train she lifts her shirt up quicksmart

Please tell the Pipettes to bring me lots of booze

Cher better forever remain a blogger

Otherwise, keep living - why even bother?

stonelifter said...
Cher oh Cher

She who lusts after Kay's hair

She who is a teapot tempest

And loves to run a weird little contest

She who complains her but is saggin'

But cares not because she has a volkswagon

Cher who's little ones cause her strife

Cher who is the light of everyones life

Cher this is my ode too you

Now go wipe up your kids poo

Kay said...
Roses are Red,

Violets are Blue,

I loves me some Cher...

Something Something fuck you.

INNER VOICES said...
I dont know you so this ones on the cuff, im kays friend so that should say enough. your contest sounds fun, ill enter for kay, shes got the runs. you've got readers, cause you post so much, your comments are real, so you've got the touch. when shes done with her chemo, well be drinking beer, maybe at her house, maybe over here. whatever the facts are, i dont give a shit, when we all meet, it'll be a hit! so if i dont win, i'll search you out, and a big fight, hmmm it'll be a bout. cause when i say fuck kanser i never lose, its a saying even YOU can use. so i'll be checking back in, trust me on that, if kay gets too thin, lets make her fat. her entry was worthy ill repeat it next line, todays yer cut off, suits me just fine....roses are red, violets are blue, something, something...fuck you!!

Matthew Shanks(he doesn't blog anymore, but he was the blogger from Bucket of Excreta. which was an AWESOME blog)

here is a haiku. I didn't get much notice, so I decided to stroke your ego instead of come up with something witty.

mother of beauty

hot without smoke or heat

eyes that hypnotize

Travis Erwin said...
She likes, fruit flies, VW Bugs, and being on top.

She has a fake bastard baby in her womb, and a husband named Rob.

Nevermind that she refuses to cook clean, or even mop.

She is the perfect woman, better than a canadian bacon Shish-kabob.

So if you ever find yourself way up B.C way.

Look Cher up, couse I've heard she is one mighty fine ... blogger.

Wow...TWO entires from Tiggysmum-The first a Haiku and the second a Cinquain.

A Canadian
A very witty person
Pregnant with fake seed

Cher
Bright, funny
Blogging, writing, smiling
Someone who likes it on top!
Nutmeg

KINGCOVER's entry

CHER IS AWESOME

Cher is so brilliant

Yes yes it's very true

From morning to night

She tries with all her might.

She's a wonderment to me

And someone I blog about with glee

Ask her to take this thing off my shoulder called a flee

It is always done you see.

Our Cher is fantastic

An all around great gal

Never worries, never frets

She truly is my pal.

When you need her help with something

Sprinting to your aid she comes

It's a bonus when she finds the brakes

I do not want crushed bones.

If you are ever in any doubt

About the friendliness of my friend Cher

Ask the neighbourhood doggies

Oh and the local bear.

I wanted to make this poem really long

To brag and shout about the lady with flare

But instead I'll keep it oh so short

As I am in love with Rob ........ ermm I mean Cher!!!

Phats said...
Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

This Poem Sucks

And So do you! hahaha

Mr. Shife said...
Violets are blue,

Roses are pink,

An ecoli episode from being

my favorite Canadian. Wink. Wink.

T. Leach said...
Shall I compare thee to a Volkswagen bus?

Though art more lovely and less German (as far as I know).

Your trunk has some junk, some cushion for pushin'.

Your grill, your tires, gives my ball joints a smushin'.

That thing in your garage that looked like a phallus?

Who wins the contest, Cher? Please, do tell us.

Just the tip if I win, that's what you said.

Not in your bed though, in the back of the van instead.

Oh T.Leach.... you really really crack me up. thanks for humouring me!

Compulsive? Maybe. But trust me, my yams are good.

2007-11-28T12:10:00.000-08:00

HELLO AGAIN

Hello my daaaaaahlings. It is I, Cher, your favorite blogger. You are all just so lucky to have me in your life aren't you? I know. So I thought I would pass along some practical advice so no one gets injured and loses an eye and I have to start blogging in braille. I don't know braille, so it would be really tricky and full of typos.

So, I think this first piece of advice speaks for itself. This is something you absolutely shouldn't do. Unless of course, you are Chriss Angel and are a demon and your DNA is made up of 2 parts fire anyway.
Second piece of practical advice, look before you sit. If you don't feel like looking first, have someone do a trial sit for you on your chair of choice because there is just no doubt that unknowingly sitting on a chair like this would suck worse than mudbutt.
Third piece of practical advice from yours truly is to be really careful for random (blunt OR pointy) giant hooks that may appear out of nowhere, as you scratch your bum while using gigantic chopsticks to try and pick up crap off the sidewalk.And lastly, piece of advice number four. In order to avoid the paparazzi while doing something like grocery shopping, wear a hoodie and a hat and keep your head down. Make sure you don't look anyone directly in the eye. You can normally avoid most autograph junkies by robbing the joint and running. People think you are just an average thief and not, in fact, one of the coolest people in the world who just wants to get some food and leave.Your poems are all so awesome (of course they are...they're about me, after all)!! What have I started? I don't know how to choose! But I will, and don't forget to submit yours before Dec 3rd if you haven't already!

THE CONTEST...dun dun dun...

2007-11-22T10:33:00.000-08:00

bbc said to me "Time for a new post, an attention whore needs to do lots of posts. LOL" So true bbc. So here you go...

Didn't do much yesterday.

Just my normal Wednesday.

Which is actually quite a busy day and rushed in the mornings.

It actually took waaay too long to take this picture.I took it myself and there was another lady in the room (with 2 ugly kids) who was wondering what on earth I was doing, but because she didn't ask, I didn't offer. I also didn't stop Everett from stealing her ugly kids toys out of their ugly little hands. I figured, you know what? They are ugly. They better get used to not always being treated nicely.
Similar to my Cougars hat, again, you are cooler for knowing me, because I have this shirt...

Come on, admit it. that shirt is S.A.S.S.Y.

Ok... on with the contest. I am having a really hard time with picking who will pick the prize. This post has ended up being really lengthy. So I understand if you want to skim down to your name and just read what pertains to you, but at least scroll down to the end and read what the actual contest is and get your entries in.

Angels idea is just awesome. I totally would love to give him a VW symbol or sticker. I have that kickin' around my crib. I wouldn't even have to leave my house to buy anything. Awesome idea right?

The Duck? what can i say... this is just awesome. I'd get to write on your, the great and mighty Duck's blog? nice. That works out perfect for an egotistical maniac like myself. I want to give you this opportunity... because lucky you right?

Tena.I think it would be so great for me to have the power to give Phats away for the weekend. I mean it's really a great idea all around. For everyone. And then you basically swiped Duck's suggestion right out of his hard drive with the writing on the winners blog bit...and it's such a great idea too. But THEN you come around talkin all like "yo babies daddy" and stuff. No, haha, ok but man the last few sentences were fun to type. Ok, I love the idea of the winner picking my fake, bastard, virtual, love childs name. It's actually beautiful to me. The idea itself seems to be smiling at me. Brilliant.

Mr.Shife-mudbutt holder. What could be better than that? I even have some with Lightning McQueen on them so...sweet right? Great idea. Plus I'd get to say the word mudbutt again in a future post.. Seriously though, The radio show thing is killing me. I want to do it really bad. I don't even know why anymore, but it was really fun doing it... but I'm scared I'll suck. Which, I probably will. But, then you come around traipsing your "you could interview me" suggestion around and now I can't stop dry heaving I'm so scared (ok, not really). But more than that, I just want to do it so much more now. So thank you for this completely irrelevant personal Hell I'm now stuck in. There is almost no other option BUT to let you win. Then I would have the opportunity to almost grill you in person about where our fake, bastard, virtual baby's college fund is dwindling away to. Shame on you.

Phats-I think a weekend with you would be awesome. I'm going to post a bit of our conversation. Man we crack me up.

Phats says:honey i am home cher says:awePhats says:now cook me dinner bitchPhats says:HAHAcher says:haha.cher says: i think a radio show would be really fun though. but i'm scared to do it. Phats says:do it please Phats says: ask if he wants to give you a pearl necklace. cher says: AHHAHAHAHA HAH AHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh we could talk about our fake baby. i'd be funny Phats says:lolPhats says:and give me the prize of date with Phats! cher says:yes.... Phats says:i think a conversation with myself would be fascinating cher says:that is so funny cher says: me too. i wish i could enter.Phats says:i think I should win a date with myself Phats says: LMAOcher says:LMAO!!!!cher says:ah hahaha! and then Angel can set you free....or maybe I will grant world peace just for casdok. cher says:hey, can i cut and paste part of our conversation for my post? Phats says:only if you say how hot and doable I am cher says:ok. you are hot and doable. Phats says:lol

Stonelifter You must be starting to see my dilemma here right? This is such a good idea, I can't believe I didn't think of it. I wonder if I've done this to you and maybe you are just bitter, or maybe you, like me, just think that is really, really funny.

Are you getting the idea? I don't know how to decide.

Kay. Lay off the chemo. I think it's going to your bald head. Ok, but you know I'd love to go hang out with you for an evening and drink some beer in fuzzy slippers. So, naturally, I want you to win too. I don't know. Maybe if you actually sent me your hair that fell out for real, I'd accept your bribe and bump you up to the top of the list.

DG- Canadian bacon is delicious. There is no doubt about it. This post is getting long winded, and you are still milking the last contest winnings out of me. So I think you will forgive me if i just say no.

Jblue you were just day dreaming. I can not get you a helicopter ride that ends with your personal concert from the pipettes. Would you settle for me calling you with ear deafening chopper audio playing while i play you some kind of ditty on the spoons? What if I really put my heart into it?

dipshit mcfuckertwat- man that name is freakin funny. There is just nothing I could say to even make your comments funnier...or sicker...

Paul F.-Again, a really really cool idea. In high school I would pass around a piece of paper. When you had it you wrote a sentence starting with the word already given to you, fold your sentence over, and put the last word under it so the next person couldn't see the context of how to use that word. You ended up with a story so funny I'd get kicked out of class because I was laughing and distracting... I think a short story written and started by me and finished by you all is an absolutely fabulous idea. I really do.

Travis-You are a very smart contestant aren't you? Any idea that gives my fake, bastard, virtual love child post time is just great in my books. But you knew that didn't you? ;) I actually think this fake child is going to be harder to name than how it was conceived too, so that really would save a lot of time and thought.

T.Leach. like I said, you never disappoint me... I kinda hoped you'd enter again so I could send you something again. I mean, why else do I have your address tattooed on the inside of my arm if I'm all done sending you stuff?

Gad- can i get two pints of Guinness and pickled garlic? on top of a golden 1945 WV beetle, of course! This is completely doable. I'm going to go check my backyard for the 1945 beetle. I bet I even have one kickin around back there. If I don't, I will so hook you up with x-ray vision.

Honkeie-a six pack and porn. Nice. I think you should win just because I've never chosen porn for a virtual stranger before. But then you said " I would love to win a gift certificate to my local tattooer and have your name inked on my butt....right above the actual hole. ;-P" Surely you must know how badly I want you to get a tattoo right above your actual hole. And my name? It's every girls dream really. Holy crap you crack me up dude.

THE CONTEST:OK. I will decide somehow. But... until then, here is the actual contest. I want a poem written about me. So get off your duffs, or stay on them, whatever, and get to writing...all about me. Simply splendid idea if you ask me. Just so this contest doesn't drag on forever, I will even give you a cut off date. So get your poems-all about me-to me by December 3rd 2007. Good luck and don't forget how great I am.

Dumb, White Girls Pain Scale

2007-11-18T11:10:00.000-08:00

Pain scales are tools that can help health care providers diagnose or measure a person’s pain intensity. The scale is usually 1-10 with 1 being a little pain and 10 being the worst pain that you ever felt in your life. How boring is that? So, Mr.Shife and I have come up with our own pain scales that we are hoping hospital emergency rooms everywhere will adopt as their new measurement scale for pain. For the Dumb, White Guy's Pain Scale, check out his post. For my Dumb, White Girl's Pain Scale....read on.

1)Getting poo on your hands
2)Being reincarnated as Courtney Love's eye makeup remover and knowing your whole existence is a complete waste.

3)Remembering you dyed your pubes florescent pink in the waiting room of your gynecologist

4)Being confronted by a figment of your imagination about your obsession with anal probing at an Abductee's Anonymous meeting.

5)Getting cut off by your local Starbucks Barista because you are 2 shots over your limit, and then getting barred for life because after you sucker punched him you jumped over the counter and put your mouth directly on the carafe and started sucking and swallowing.

6)Waking up from a coma and being told you were lovingly taken care of by your new pimp Rocco.

7)Not feeling awkward after receiving a sponge bath from this guy.

8)Deciding to give street fighting a chance to up your "risk taker" status and your first unsuspecting victim is Bas Rutten ("I'm sorry" bang bang bang... "no I'm not"...lol-thanks Stonelifter, for this link!)

9)Getting stuck on a carousel ride and the horse you are on is actually eating you, not just itself. 10)The moment you realize the only thing you will ever eat again is meatloaf forever.

and #11...yes 11, because I have a ridiculously high pain tolerance, as most women do... really, the men's pain scale should only go to 7 at the most.
11)The morning you woke up from the regular nightmare of hanging out with Star Jones and you realized this dream no longer creates the night sweats and doesn't even send a chill up your spine anymore. You are completely conditioned to love the unlovable and there is nothing left but guilt.

A SHINY NEW CONTEST ALL BUFFED AND POLISHED

2007-11-14T14:31:00.000-08:00

Sorry about my delay in response to your comments. The good news is I just finished whisking up a fresh, fluffy bowl of comments for you all. The better news is that I am a firm believer in answering you back AND (it just gets better with me, doesn't it?) if you left a comment, you didn't get ignored! If you took the time to write something, I feel you deserve a little attention. Which is actually way less than I want. I want a lot of attention.... but anyway, enough about you. Back to me. OK, I am indeed having a new contest. But on the advice of my fake, virtual, bastard baby's Daddy, it is going to be a two-part contest. I'm not going with his "suggestion" because of his undying fake love and support when he says things like "Watch it." rather than it's just a really great idea. So...here is the 4-1-1-...the skinny... the low down...A.K.A. the rules.

The first assignment in this contest (that of course you will enter...hello? Me? Remember? MY contest??) is this. YOU have to decide the prize of the second part of the contest. ya dig? comprehendo? Send in your suggestion...or suggestionssss...of what you think the prize should be for the winner of the second part of the contest. Can you imagine? YOU may win the honor of deciding what the actual prize is for the second part of MY contest? Can you? Imagine? YOU??? Wow. That's big. And when all is said and done, you may just win your prize... Get it? Good. It's simple, yet brilliant. Not unlike the 'thinktank' behind the curtain of the idea.

So, what are you waiting for? What do you want to win?

If you're happy and you know it crap your pants.

2007-11-09T10:50:00.000-08:00

Happy Friday everyone! That is particularly nice of me to say, seeing as I have no Friday's anymore. Everyday is a work day when you are a Mum.

Because I've been stuck somewhere in between whiny, me-climbing cling-ons and the land of Mudbutt for so long, I've decided to stop fighting. New plan: Give in and embrace insanity with open, loving arms(It might help you get a feel for my mental state if you know that I am hysterically laughing as I type. Not because it's funny, but because I am full on loony).

So, on with the show.... Today's post will be some random photos I've been meaning to show you all, my loyal little readers.

Rob took this photo for me. It bugs me how clear his phone photos come out compared to mine. At any rate, any sign that has the words "BOOB" and "caution" on it, is just pure comedy in my opinion.

Yesterday, Crofton actually did a little business on the potty. Now, before you get excited, you should know that he wasn't all that happy about being on the potty(even though he asks to sit on it all day long). While protesting his position on the thrown, he tooted, and that's when it happened... I couldn't have been prouder!! Everett was there the whole time cheering him on...ok, really he was just yelling for no reason other than he loves to hear himself at full volume...and climbing up my back, but whatever. It was still one less liquid poop I had to clean up.

How sweet assed is this hat? Seriously? F.Y.I.-you are cooler for knowing me because it is in my house.

I saw these novelty cups in a neat little over priced store where you can find things like hand made pottery, nutmeg body wash, magnetic pens, welcome mats that say "GO AWAY!", tacky jewelry, and other odd nick-knacks. My first thought when I see things like this is always "Cool. I want it." Then I remember that sometimes taking a picture is good enough and leave pleased that I saved $8.00 (plus applicable taxes).

I think this one speaks for itself.

Here's a photo of moi, just so you don't have withdrawal too badly. Don't let my smile fool you. I'm not really happy or approachable.

I'm a treat with a few tricks...

2007-11-06T08:37:00.000-08:00

So, belated as it is, I decided to give jblue a break from checking my blog every hour to see halloween photos. I figured if i didn't post them soon, there would be no point at all... so, here are a couple halloween pics.
Rob was a cave man and I was the cave whore.

I made those costumes by hand dudes. BY HAND.... like with a needle and thread kind of by hand...

3 guesses which pumpkin I carved in this line up of bad boys.

Life's a beach

2007-11-02T13:44:00.000-07:00

It's retarded how much I love this beach.

I have logged a lot of hours here.

There is barely ever anyone on it.

It's like my own private beach just for me.

This is the view you would have if you were spying on me. Low tide or high tide. It's just perfect. Did I mention I love it here?

Black and white. This is a shot looking back at my private Heaven from a gazebo that you can get to if you go for a walk through the trails. I love the trails too. I'm quite sure I could get lost in those trails forever. I wonder if anyone would find me?
I have so many wonderful memories of this beach.

Everett learned how to stand here.Awe... Look at him!How about because I gapped out and bought the girl lil swimmers by accident, my children had to sport these? Anyway, I just thought I'd share how much I love this beach with you.

So there you have it. One of my favorite places in the whole world.

Lucky, lucky me!! Have a great weekend!!

2007-10-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

WOW! CAT FIGHT!!! Sweet! How can I possibly perpetuate this more? Well, first of all, Tena, you were cracking me up with your name changes...and Kay, I am just trying not to picture your freaky chicken hat everytime I close my eyes. I don't know how you get a wink of sleep with that in your house. You guys all made me laugh. Thank you. Without going into too much detail, (I'm not normally one to wear my heart on my sleeve) but I am going through a lot right now and as much as I love to be missed, I also appreciate your patience with me as I try and find time to blog. It's nothing personal...it's not you, it's me....blah blah blah. Know that I'm thinking about you. Hold tight to that, my sweet little bloggers. Bask in the warmth of my love... Oh, and Mr.Shife. I was just going to say if you could please stop rubbing in the fact that you are my favorite to the other bloggers, that would be great. It's one thing to completely ignore me and your fake unborn pain in the ass, (which is just so super sweet of you..*sigh*) but it's another thing to parade your position all over my blog like a rockstar. It just hurts peoples feelings that's all. Oh, and Mr.Shife, I also love that you are spending this unreal fetus's birthright on midgit hookers. When I think about how much you care, my heart just bubbles with giddiness.

So... considering that I've got a lot on my plate right now that I am trying to deal with, lets move on to things that don't matter. Like this bike, for example. It's just a sweet ride, no matter how you look at it. (Oh, and that's our jigster in the back ground against the wall. Incase you care.)

I saw this bad boy when I was dropping off a movie recently.

In my opinion, there was no option but to repark my car, get out and take a photo.

Come on, admit it. It's freaking cool.
There was a lot of attention to detail. It even had these little tiny skulls instead of the standard door locks that you push down to lock or unlock your door.
So, I was going to try and get a belly shot for you all to show you how big I'm not really getting with this fake pregnancy, when I came across this cartoon drawing. It looks so much like me, I figured it was good enough. I'm so exhausted from not really being pregnant and i'm so tired from this fake baby not keeping me up all night, that I am going to sign off and have a nap.

The shows over folks.

Nothing more to see here.

Move along.

Keep to the right.

"The time is gone the song is over, thought I'd something more to say"

Tena's post.

2007-10-23T21:11:00.000-07:00

My computer life is suffering right now. but i feel a post brewing. stay tuned!
tena..this was for you!

i'm alright folks. just busy... and just barely not sick... (as i just had a coughing fit...)

It's ok to miss me. I miss me too...just know I am thinking about you, and by you, I mean me.

2007-10-14T18:57:00.000-07:00

Here's a semi-recent photo of the boys and I. They are growing up so fast, it's crazy. I toss back and forth daily between 'man they are growing up too fast and holy crap...do they still live here?'

Sorry for my absence lately. I know I haven't really even been around your blogs, and I'm sure I have a ton of catching up to do. If you care about me at all, you'll keep your posts short and loaded with pictures! We have all been really sick. Hopefully we are nearing the end of it all. The stress in my life is taking a toll on my immune system, I think.

So, what can I post about when I can't concentrate on anything or think straight anymore?

I guess I'll whip out these bad boys and share a couple cool things I saw not too long ago at the mall.

Here's a really cool idea for a belt that I saw.
Now of course you know I wanted this, but I don't think I could pull the look off very well. I'm not exactly a belt buckle kinda gal.
But man that little symbol just fills me with happiness.

So, Mr.Shife's fake bastard embrio is growing like stink in my fake womb. I will take a fake photo sometime this week and show you how I'm just popping out. It really is quite unreal.

my virtual, fake, bastard love child

2007-10-03T13:53:00.000-07:00

Step back into time with me, for a moment. Let me set the stage. August 23rd. 2007. It was probably just a regular pleasant day in my household and I'm checking out your blogs. I go to my friend Phat's blog to see what's new and exciting. Crossing my fingers and wishing for something other than football, I was thrilled to see him talking about deep fried Pepsi! AND it had photos...AAAND a video clip! So I scroll down and it gets better because he even mentions me in the next bit, which I love, because I'm a blog whore.. Then tennis...then football, but at least another video clip...so... feeling quite pleased with his post in general, I start brewing up a fresh cup of instant comment. Then... WHOA! Screeeeeech. Back up. Did he just say what I thought he said? Oh yes he did. I couldn't believe it. Here, read it for yourself. I'll copy and paste it for you. .. And I quote... "Have a great weekend,Phats.By the way I got special permission from Cher to announce that she is pregnant with Mr Shife's baby, and they would like gifts from us all, and they are registered at Wal Mart. I guess the cougar pounced."

Ok, a couple of things. First of all, I'm glad Phats cleared up whose baby it was, because I honestly thought it was Design Goddess's. (Still to this day DG, I am so sorry for the hurt and unnecessary pain I have put you through. I really am.)

And second of all, I guess the cat is out of the bag now, and there's no point in denying this made up pregnancy anymore. According to Phats, I am 6 weeks along in this virtual pregnancy and let me tell you, it already feels like 25. In case you don't know, a pregnancy is about 40 weeks long...give or take. Don't worry, for those of you who went through my second pregnancy with me, you know I will keep you updated on how I'm doing and feeling and if you are lucky, maybe even the odd belly shot.

It is true that Mr.Shife and I are registered at WalMart and we do indeed want you to buy us things. So here are a few gift suggestions that obviously any newborn, online, fake, bastard, love child would need.

LINK1

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Mr.Shife is just as ecstatic as I am about this faux pregnancy. He's so sweet. Why, just today he said this to me when I told him that his fake bastard baby just kicked... "Based on the advice of my attorney, I plead the fifth." See? Can't you just feel his love and undying commitment? His words wrap me in warmth in these trying times. He is my rock. He will make a great fake father.

tagged by travis.

2007-10-02T12:45:00.000-07:00

I was tagged by Travis and the rules are I must offer up 5 pieces of bad advice... so here we go..
This photo was sent to me by Rob's best friend Lauri. She took it on a plane. It's funny, so I thought I could use it here...

So lets get rolling. Bad piece of advice #1 is...

Ignore this sign. throw caution to the wind and do indeed stand on the wing of the plane next time you are flying. It's safe. I swear. (Thank you Lauri for sending me the photo. I was going to post the one of you actually on the wing while flying, but your hair is all messy and it's just not the best photo of you, so I went with these two instead)
Now, piece of advice #2 is a bit of a dig to Emily and The Duck, since they have no Costco. (And yes, no Starbucks either...which i hit hard before Costco.... tall, quad, long, easy water Americano these days.)

My Mum says "You'll go broke saving money at Costco." She's right, but really, you can feed your kids for free on samples, so in a way, you save there too... Ok, on with the bad advice...

#2- Look at all this honey. Here is my advice, and I think it's just really good/bad advice, so listen up. Find a Costco employee and ask them if this is all the honey they have. You could mention you are a little disappointed with their selection and had hoped for more.Grab one of the squeeze bottles and say that you just love honey. That you can't get enough of it and wonder if there is a support number on the label anywhere for people like you who are addicted to the liquid gold, but that you don't have your glasses on and wonder if they could look on the label and tell you if there is anything like that on it. Then when they are about to look for you, aim the bottle directly at their eye and squeeze REALLY HARD. Be sure to put your hand up near their face as if you are trying to unsuccessfully stop it from getting all over them. Now, with your sticky, honey fingers, touch the employee as much as possible. Don't forget to be feeling bad, and try not to laugh. It was an accident remember? Grab their forearm while you shake their hand and stuff. It would be great if you could actually try and get your hand stuck in their hair...

Bad advice #3- Allow yourself to be pulled in two directions at all times. Stop focusing on anything and just bumble your way through your day. That's what I do, and it's great because no one expects much from me.

Bad advice #4- Next time you go to someones house, bring a plant as a thank you. Only, don't include a pot. Just hand it to them and start watering it and explain that this is a magic plant and will only grant your wishes if you hold it at all times. .
Bad advice #4- I love myself. I'm great. Really incredible. So, naturally, I can't help but try and look at myself at all times too. So, I wanted to show you how I can do this and still drive.Here's a good picture of proof that I do this. Look at me! I'm really so happy to see me it's stupid!

I can't help myself.

2007-09-28T11:07:00.000-07:00

OK. I had a fruit fly problem that got out of hand for awhile. I couldn't figure out where they were coming from. I was convinced they were compliments of the store and came as a little incentive built into fruit so you had to eat it all quicker...to get back to the buying of more fruit... Then I found the real source. I was putting some laundry in the washer, because that's pretty much how I spent my solid week of vomit, and my elbow bumped into some empties that were in my laundry room. Well, let me just tell you. Time to rinse the empties people. EVERY TIME. EVERY CAN. ALWAYS!! So, I bumped into the empties (weird hey? I NEVER bump into things) and HUNDREDS of these tiny flying demons take flight. All around me. It was horrible. Needless to say, with flailing arms, I made things worse as they dispersed throughout my house like a plague.

So...what now? Telling my woes to my friend Amber, she tells me how to rig a fruit fly trap. So I'm stoked and decide to take action. I set up traps all over my house. I tried different lures. Amber swears by vinegar in the trap. I didn't have much luck with that. I put beer in one, and got a pretty good turn out. Put blueberries in another...which proceeded to just turn moldy... apparently fruit flies aren't as fond of blueberry mold as you'd expect. One I put apple juice in, which was not as as well recepted as I thought either, but not completely ignored. Same thing with orange juice. However, the goldmine? Banana. Banana makes these little suckers go nuts. They couldn't get in my trap fast enough! They were fighting to get in, I swear. OK, this is getting long winded. I'll wrap it up by saying I have gotten my fruit fly problem cleared up, but I haven't been able to part with my trap. I'm so sick, I swear. I keep checking in on them and watching this piece of banana liquify. The grossest part of all of it is listening to them trying to get out of the trap and bouncing off the plastic wrap. Here... check it out yourself.

I don't feel the need to show you how gross I really am. I do, however have a real issue with trying to gross out others. So, for the weak of stomach, please click play. It's not gross. I swear.

I thought The Duck would find this clip particularly disgustingly intriguing, as he has done a post on maggots and expressed a similar "want to look away, but can't" kind of attitude that I have struggled with for days with these creepy members of our food chain.

Have a great weekend everyone...

Cars on the brain.... its better than water I guess.

2007-09-24T10:17:00.000-07:00

NEWS FLASH!!!! NEWS FLASH!!!!

POST UPDATE!!!

I just posted a little diddy on the AWESOME AMALGAMATION blog! Check it out HERE!! and leave a comment so we know you stopped by. And tell your friends, and send DUCK and email that you want to post something. I think this blog is very creative and deserves a lot more traffic. Be sure to read the very first post to get a feel for the blog and find out what its about!! And lets keep having FUN on it!!

Look at this little VW holding its own... This was in the parking lot at MaMiller's one day. I had to take a picture.

Now THIS is a sweet-assed ride dudes. Serious bragging rights here...
Ok, now this kinda made me actually WANT a smart car.

ALMOST!!!

In other news, I am still the funniest person ALIIIIIIVE. And thinking about doing my own radio show. What do you, my fans think?

I taste delicious!!

2007-09-22T10:05:00.001-07:00

Friends
You have no Friends.
Let people know when you've added new videos! You can attract friends by uploading interesting and relevant videos, or by adding videos to your video log.

Trust the internet to make you feel like a bigger loser at some rediculous hour. That little face slapper above is some part of my YouTube ..homepage?...maybe?... I don't know, but in order for you to see this funny clip I came across, I had to sign up. At almost 3 AM, being T-boned, I mean told, that I have no friends sucked. It actually really bummed me out. So, I played the clip again, and it cheered me up almost right away. So much so that I think I will go eat myself. So lets get down to business shall we? I don't have time to wait around. Seriously. Press play and turn your sound down when the screaming begins... just kidding. What? Don't you trust me? Really? Wow. That's hurtful people . Really, really hurtful (and by people, I mean you... my fan...yes you. .i'm totally talking to you).

Hope your weekend doesn't entail you chewing your own leg off. That would suck.

Honorary American? OOH-RAH.

2007-09-19T10:25:00.000-07:00

Well, I was at it hard again this morning dumbing up Dave and Jenn's radio show. Listen to it and tell me what you think.

Your prostate is my passion

2007-09-17T10:50:00.000-07:00

OK men, listen up. I have a few things to say about the state of your prostate. Tell me. How is your prostate? Is it healthy? Have you had it checked.....? Do you even know the history of your families prostate? Ya. That's what I thought.
I'm not going to go into a big rant about how much more intrusive and actually painful pap smears can be. And I won't mention that we, as women, have had to undergo said torture since we were basically invitro. (Or how incredibly hot the little stirrups are. Well, that's more of a perk actually) Anyway, because my attention span is pathetic lately, I don't even remember why I'm writing this post. I do know, however that prostate cancer is one of the most treatable cancers out there....but early detection is key here men. Take care of your prostate. Looooove your prostate.....long time. hahaha...

911...what is your emergency? hello? hello? sir? you will have to speak up. we can hardly hear you through your tin can.

2007-09-16T23:31:00.000-07:00

Ok, I was checking out lyrics last night ~~(because if you remember((and you should, there may be a pop quiz about me at any time...keep your pencils sharp)) i am listening more and enjoying the words lately.) ~~because otherwise, i'd have to vacuum or something like that (well, I did unload and load my dishwasher!! Yea ME!!). Anyway, in order to keep my post short so you have time to read the lyrics of this song, I will just say, it's freaking funny and actually had me laughing really hard...

Lords Of Acid - The Crab Louse Lyrics
(Super Scratcher With A Golden Shower Rainbow Mix)

I wanna talk to you about forbidden pleasures of the flesh
The most thrilling satisfaction for all mankind
Better than everything you've ever imagined in your wildest dreams
The secret of ..... the crab louse

Here's a message for the girls about vaginas
And the consequence of fiddling with a partner
Mind your labia they're never out of danger
If you're gonna go to bed with a stranger
Creatures might be hidden in his pubic area
It's the crab louse it's out to getcha
It's gonna grab you by the pubic hair
Shake your pussy when the bastard's there

It's there to stay
Sucks all day
It's there to bite
My parasite

The little vampire, horny and so greedy
It doesn't care about a penis and it's envy
Its intelligence is nasty and it's sick
A party animal, a pervert, and a pig
If a crab louse mixes up with your saliva
Stumbles through your body right into your vulva
Then waits patiently until a penetration
Gets it out of there and right into salvation

It's there to stay
Sucks all day
It's there to bite
My parasite
My love machine
My maddest dream
Turns me on
Makes me cum

Now we know the little crab louse is a raver
You can't get rid of it unless you use a razor
It's unbearable, funky and so cool
A real smartass and nobody's fool
If you meet a guy who's scratching at his totem
We all know that it's connected with his scrotum
He might tell you his undie is too tight
You will know that it's a crab louse and you're right

It's there to stay
Sucks all day
It's there to bite
My parasite
My love machine
My maddest dream
Turns me on
Makes me cum

Ok, moving on. Phats says I'm on the phone too much. He says it a lot. But I still know he's wrong. I am in demand. People to talk to. I am a giver. I listen most of the time too when I'm not completely distracted. I say sitting and typing blows when I could be sitting on my couch talking, or, (Heaven forbid) actually cleaning. So, you may be wondering why I am telling you this. It's because Phats doesn't have a phone. At all. I'm serious. He would actually have to go nextdoor to dial 911.... so....ahhhh, ya. Anyhoo... I decided to take matters into my own hands. I'm like that. I'm a dooer. I found Phats a phone for free. Phats, if you are reading this (of course you are! what was i thinking??) it's right down by Gyro Beach in Oak Bay on the side of the road with some crappy old baby things and old monitors. It a goldmine actually. A thrift store owners wet dream. I'll probably be heading past again. It really would be no trouble to pick it up for you. Just let me know.

Hey, question. Do you think I should go on the my point radio show again? I'm not saying I'm ready to sign a contract, hahaha, but should I do it again?

Good night my sweet ADORABLE cher addicts. oooh how happy you make me.

I've been really busy...

2007-09-13T23:50:00.000-07:00

...neglecting everyone and everything. "i don't know how to tell you this, but i'm kind of a big deal"... don't believe me? Check out my brilliant football picks on phats blog.... or listen to the spot i did on my point radio.... by clicking the title My Point Radio, back from summer vacation in the archives. it should have a little doohickey to play the show in the little box with the little write up...about who you might ask?? yes, that's right. Me.

If you want to hear me (bring down the class of their show a few notches) being interviewed by David and Jenn , then I suggest you take the time to do just that. I'm on at the end, like the last 15 or 20 minutes or so, for those of you who may be pressed for time. (By the way, thanks for all your support, my adoring fans, who listened in and showered me with compliments, both via email as well as commented on my last post...which, by the way, i did take the time out of my day to respond to each and everyone of you. I'm such a giver... you're welcome.)

So in other breaking news, that directly links to me, everyone needs to know about this new blog that The (extremely funny (go check out his blog)) Duck was the creator of...(but lets face it, his lovely wife probably did most of it...haha). It is called Awesome Amalgamation. I too, will be gracing the pages of this blog, jumping on, and riding this bandwagon until it makes me officially, the funniest person aliiiiive.. Come check it out. Be sure to click on the first post to see the blogs Mission Statement. And leave comments!

Is the caller there?

2007-09-11T11:20:00.000-07:00

Well, I think I must be crazy for real. I have agreed to publicly humiliate myself on an online radio show. Click here to read the details So, apparently, if you click on THIS LINK tomorrow morning, you should be able to hear me live... talking to some people about things I know nothing about and completely misrepresenting Canada in general. I can't wait! My mother would be proud. Apparently, you can call into the show at this number (347) 996-5948 and speak to me live. If you listen, please call in and save me from myself!! Awe, come on...call in....I dare you.

In other news, this is a most excellent way to occupy your child in a Starbucks bathroom.
To all my American bloggers out there... note the flag on Everett's shirt. Just a little 9/11-we won't forget-action for you there.

By the way, I had to take and post these pictures solely on the fact that I have been told to stop taking pictures in public bathrooms. Apparently it's gross. Well, guess what? I say yes, it probably is gross. I'm ok with it. Oh, ya, and don't tell me what to do. You're not the boss of me.

2007-09-09T09:12:00.000-07:00

Ha haha. I was routing for the pickle too

Aircools make me drool

2007-09-05T13:06:00.000-07:00

If you are new to my blog, you will find out soon enough of my love of Volkswagen's.

This T-shirt was a b-day present from my brother. Made of hemp. Very cool in my opinion.

Some people read to their children cute little books on how to behave or how to brush their teeth. I, on the other hand, only allow my children access to anything VW. I just think it's really important that they learn as young as possible that the ONLY thing that matters in this crazy life is what car you drive, and if it is a Volkswagen or not.Here is a great photo of Everett being force fed the thought that the most excellent of all Volkswagen's is the 67 or older VW Bus. Rob loves that I spend $15/month on this magazine. I love the whole process that comes with buying it... going to the not so local, dingy, stuffy little magazine store... saying hello to the snotty "customer service" lady with a twist of sarcasm that she never gets because she's dumb and I'm not being nice, but she thinks I am... walking to the back of the store to the automotive section... and seeing the next months edition... all shiny and smooth and undog-eared yet... Seriously, talk about adrenaline!I also get this magazine delivered to my house every month. Not as exciting as the whole going to the store experience, but still quite a rush opening my mailbox and seeing something that is related to Volkswagen's with my name on it.

Here's a photo of a very cool custom bike indeed. For those of you that don't know, I started rebuilding a 66 Squareback (scroll down to the bottom of the post in the link to see a photo of my car) last year. Then Winter came and it got so cold in my garage that I couldn't stand it. So it got put on hold. Now as I realize as Summer is over, that I'm sad that I spent so much time on my porch instead of in my garage.

I need to be re motivated. I begged Rob for months for this car. It was just rotting in someones yard. (This can not end up like the sewing machine I needed or my life couldn't go on...that is now being neglected at my friend Alan's house.) Finally, Rob gave in, I started negotiations and picked it up for $400. It is a far cry from the bus I want to own one day, but a great start for my first project car. I have to get back at it. I remember pretty much where I was at. I just lack the motivation, as with almost everything in my life. But I woke up today and thought, if I put the thought out there in blogworld, people might hold me to it and start asking me again how I'm making out with it...and eventually the guilt will take such a hold of me, it will throw my lethargic ass down the stairs and into the garage.

2007-09-03T13:46:00.000-07:00

It's 1:30PM and I have barely left the couch. I feel sick to my stomach, and that's bumming me out. I am having a little pity party on the couch, if anyone would like to join me.

So today is a holiday. Labor Day. To celebrate, I will not labor at all.
I was trying to think of something to post about when I remembered it was Labor Day (thanks DG for the text reminding me) which reminded me of Victoria Day, the last long weekend we had here in, well, Victoria. My friend was in town visiting me and we went downtown to go walk around and get in a good dose of people watching and possibly even trip a tourist or two.
Well, to make a long story short, and get on with the photographic evidence, I had to pee. We were down on the boardwalk, and there were so many people. I was more than a little nervous as I walked towards the bathrooms. Preoccupied with the thought of how many different ways the integrity of the washroom had been compromised... I knew it would be gross. I expected it to be gross. But what I didn't prepare myself for was the possibility that there would be no toilet paper. ANYWHERE. I was pissed. (haha) But I am also very creative and resourceful. And I had to go. So, on with the show right?
Here, we have my options. I was going to take a picture of the first waste receptacle I looked in just for pure shock value, but didn't. This is where you thank me. You would have tossed your cookies. It was just waaaaaay too gross...even for me....and would have been in my face, literally, as I tired to hover over a pee drizzled seat with the grace of a swimming cat. I was actually quite pleased with my find. At first I contemplated just using the cup. Then in the most excellent Maguiver-like fashion, I rigged this shit up.I even had the foresight to save some for later. I even tore some off for my friend. She may be more graceful than I am in her straddling toilet seat technique, but just as thankful of my corrigated cardboard sleeve find, as I was.

Why you should be glad I'm not your wife.

2007-08-27T19:50:00.000-07:00

We have people over a lot lately it seems. I try and make people feel as comfortable as possible when they are at my house. I asked Rob if he thought people would think I was rude if I left this note in this basket in the bathroom. He said, and I quote..."Well, people will definately know that you wrote it and not me." Nice. I left it up and still put it out when anyone comes over. Ok, so that's maybe not the most convincing reason you wouldn't want to be my wife. Lets try the fact that I drink too much, have terrible writing and normally end up in a ditch. This note may seem cute and funny to you, but how many notes like this could you actually wake up to?"It is in THAT ditch. I KNOW it." hahaha. The retarded thing is there are about 24 ditches on your way to MaMiller's (my close enough to walk to cold beer and wine store). There is no THAT ditch. I actually don't even remember writing this note. I stood in my kitchen reading it laughing to myself as if I was reading it for the first time...picking ditch out of my hair. I later went for a walk to try and find my phone. What did I find? Not just my phone, but my wallet AND one of my shoes. Oh ya, nothing but class with me. For the record, I was fine in that ditch. If my friend hadn't threaten to go get Rob to come and get me, I may still be there.Ok folks. Admit it. Almost 9 years later, you'd be so sick of me. I am chronically tired, annoying, forgetful, self-absorbed, addicted to my computer lately, and fully aware of it.

Pet Peeves

2007-08-23T18:50:00.000-07:00

getting goose bumps right after I've shaved.
waking up
lately, any form of housework
realizing I'm not listening and it's actually something important.
bruises
trying to sleep every single night and not succeeding
forgetting everything
Dave never comments on my blog
when someone takes it upon themselves to throw out my coffee because its cold.
trying to do anything with 2 boys climbing all over me while they yell at the top of their lungs
dry mouth
people who can't merge
hair in the soap
Star Jones
forgetting everything
Auto immune disorders
almost always wishing I was doing something different than what I am doing
worrying constantly
my concentration levels lately
not owning a 67 or lower VW bus yet
cat hair everywhere
being one of the worst decision makers ever
people who actually have and can keep a fully stocked liquor cabinet
the power of suggestion
how much Rob is working out lately and how lazy and flabby he's making me look
when one of my kids is having a meltdown but not believing in spanking
being late
listening to people eat
never knowing where my eye drops are
bumping into things and people all the time
when people say it will be ok and you know it will never be ok again
only ever thinking about tripping people and never following through
forgetting everything

blah blah blah sports...

2007-08-21T18:43:00.000-07:00

T.Leach. I hope you are safe.

Life inside my mug

2007-08-14T09:06:00.000-07:00

The other morning, a friend of mine said to me, "EEEW!!! Cher, I can't drink this! It's so gross! It doesn't even taste like coffee!!" Then, literally moments later, my other friend Mike, walks off of my porch and back inside and says to me as he puts his empty mug on my counter "That was, without a doubt, the BEST cup of homemade coffee I've ever had!" Go figure.

I like my coffee strong. More than strong really, rich, dark, nice head, black.

I want to taste coffee.

Not bitter, flavorless, thin, watery coffee served by retards (who for sure had to wear a helmet on the bus on their way to work and were hired to fill a quota) that leaves a nasty after taste in your mouth from not just the crappy service, but because the coffee itself has no heart.

I like espresso.

I like triple shots, short, long, easy water americanos (how weird is that to say? Of course MY coffee is an oximoron).

I will drink decaf.

I will occationally sip your flavored sissy coffee to remind myself how much better of a person I am than you. Oops. I mean to remind myself how much better coffee is when it's just left alone. I'm just not into dressing my coffee up and parading it around and around its mug like some child beauty contest entry.

Coffee... I love you.

I love you hot, I love you cold, I love you luke warm and even reheated. I just thought that since you are so dependable and make my day...every single day... you deserve a shout out.

you decide

2007-08-10T18:08:00.000-07:00

OK DG and T.Leech.
Email me which photo you want autographed because I can't make decisions lately at all. I guess my lazy-assed, brain damaged, trailerpark mentality can work its way into my blog world quite successfully too.

GET ME A COKE!! do my laundry.... "hi, i'm Phats and I'm the hottest blogger alive (oh, and the only cool thing about me is that Cher is my friend.)"

2007-08-08T23:42:00.000-07:00

Ok, Phats.

Enough is enough. It's been like what? 3 years since you've been asking me for it?

I am tired of telling people they can't have your coke. I'm done. I have so much stress in my life right now that I just simply can't focus on your can of coke any longer. It's just silly now.

It's been sitting in my fridge wasting space. And trust me, as a non pop drinker (we call it mix) there is just no room in my fridge for your silly, little, single can of coke. Do you have any idea how many times I've knocked it over trying to cram my 2 litre back in? Oh, wait, ya I guess you do because you don't sleep either and you keep me up all night. (This is true people. I don't know if you know about Phat's power to keep you on line, but it can get down right annoying when you are sitting on a wicker stool and your back is sore. He is in a very strange way, one of our best friends, as well as one of my biggest fans.

All slander aside, I can make him laug, oh, wait, i mean HE can make M..no, again, I apologize. I was right the first time... I can make him laugh and he's aparently not going anywhere, so I may as well keep him. HIM...not the COKE. I'm done with the coke. I think I may have mentioned that earlier. Drink it or I will Phats. No, drink it or I DUMP it!!! (look Duck...2 !!'s points!! wow!!)

What do they say? 'have a coke and a smile'? or 'coke is it'? or 'here's your stupid coke you whiny bitc...' oh, wait a minute. I don't think that was so much a commercial per say, as much as a guarenteed thought I have when I talk to you...

Phats, this drinks on me.

Bottoms up buddy.

Cher

PS (Rob was afraid to do a cameo "hello Phats" bit mid post because he was on his way to bed and was afraid your on line powers might suck him in even if he wasn't actually talking to you directly.)

OK, for those of you who wonder why my camera wasn't focussed last night at some rediculous hour, cope. It says.. "PHAT'S COKE. THERE. NOW SHUT UP ABOUT IT."

PPSI bet if Phats knew I was about to post this post about him he'd be chomping at the bit and driving me nuts right now and it would have taken an hour and a bit longer to write this..

2007-08-03T12:45:00.000-07:00

Crofton kicked his soother to the curb. Which is good because he had like an $8.00 a week habit. Once he started chewing holes in them, it was time to say goodbye to the "soo".

3 nights of horror is much more appealing than lying in bed awake wishing I knew the Heimlich.

***

I have a friend of mine visiting from out of town. Lucky her hey?

***

I still owe DG and T.Leech an autographed photo of me. I need a personal assistant to gently remind me how forgetful I am. I am sorry you guys. It's just that I am so completely full of myself that its hard to truly focus on other people and their needs.

DG is at least compensated with random text messages. T.Leach is rewarded by me drunk emailing him.

***

I don't feel like I have anytime for myself. I also have brain damage and completely forgot my new bath itinerary already. Time to remember to give it another whirl. I need to relax and breathe and feel calm...not as easy for me as it sounds.

***

I loath clutter and trinkets and figurines. My perfect house would look like no one lived there. However, it looks like I run some kind of hostel for people who bring crap with them and leave it all over my house. How does this happen? My house looks so lived in. It is looming over me like the threat of liver disease on the worm. My house feels out of control and on top of me and it has for too long. Forget the yardboy, I need a house cleaner. Full time.

***

My radio is on 24 hours a day.

***

Lately I am enjoying words a lot.

***

I wear clothes that are 3 sizes too big for me. I don't know why. It is comfortable to me. Always has been. It could stem from being too lazy to bother with buttons and zippers. If I can't undo the belt and be done with it, it's just too much work. I will hold it.

I've been told lately that I look like I've lost weight.

Hint, if you switch from 3 sizes too big of clothes to 1 or 2 sizes too big, or even a t-shirt that fits, people lavish you with compliments of how good you look and how much weight you've lost.

My personal favorite lately has been "you're wasting away to nothing!" hahahaha. ya right. That's exactly what's happening. Poor tiny, shrinking me.

***

A Starbucks card is the best gift possible for me. Pretty much always. AND you can reload someones card online. My brother is such a great brother.

***

My best friend Lors thinks I should scan some pictures of stuff I've doodled or made.

What do you think?

***

Fogged up clearity.

2007-07-27T11:14:00.000-07:00

Cool picture hey? If I stole this from your blog, please don't sue me. Consider yourself lucky that I was on your blog at all.

I feel so spacey lately. All wound up. I am tired. I can't concentrate. Coffee is my best friend. Even cold.

Don't worry about me. Really. I am fine. I just feel stressed out. Stress, stress, stress. I know everyone has their own ways of dealing with stress. But lately, my old faithful coping mechanisms aren't nearly effective enough. I just can't relax.

So last night, I was really not feeling good and had to do something to get a grip on life. I decided to try a bath. Rob baths all the time. He suggests me having one all the time. It all just seems like a lot of work to me. But, feeling strung out sucks more than feeling lazy. So I decided to give it a shot. I made it really hot. Almost unbearably hot. Popped in a movie and laid there. It doesn't even matter what movie. I can't concentrate anyway. But it actually, surprisingly, felt really nice to lay there. I think I get the bath thing.
I'm not great at what you need to do in the bath, which is just stay in one spot and "unwind". But I think I will practice. I think the thing I liked the most about the bath was that there is nothing else you are supposed to be doing. If I decide to "go to bed early" and watch a movie or something, I end up folding laundry in bed or getting up through the whole thing and doing all the things that pop into my head. You don't do that when you are in the bath. It's too much work to get in and out. A bath forces you to stop. A bath is great for mandatory me time. Cher time, if you will. I think I will spend a lot more time in the bath. I will practice until I am such a bath pro that the bath is going to cringe when I walk in the room. I'm going to bath until I can't bath anymore. And then, just when I'm done having a bath, I'm going to hop back in and bathe some more. That's right folks, I am putting the "bath" back in "bathroom".

So, lets talk about the ways people cope with stress. Lets talk technique. What do you do to cope with stress? Any kind of stress. Physical, mental, emotional... what are your coping skills?

(side note...if anyone reads other peoples comments, please note this is the link that Mr.Shife(roar) was hoping worked. LINK )

2007-07-23T09:16:00.001-07:00

The boys are getting big hey?
This picture isn't entirely new either.
Everett started walking on the 18th!!! Sweet hey? I was beginning to think my hip would be out of place forever. Turns out, it'll just be my mind.

This is my porch swing. I swing on it a lot. The earwigs seemed to have given me some breathing room. But they are sneaky. I'm on to them.

So, there were some pretty good suggestions on what to blog about. Big Mama, suggested I send some love out to you all, my adoring fans. I say forget it. You're all too needy. Lets talk about me;)

Phats thinks I should blog about him. But I just don't have that kind of time on my hands. Besides, where would I even start?

T.Leach thinks sports. Ya, right.

Mr.Shife thinks I should talk about how fabulous Canadian bacon is. This was actually very tempting, seeing as I too have a soft spot for the smokey pig meat, but I haven't had much of an appetite lately.

Jamwall didn't have a suggestion so much as an entry to the complaint department. Suck it up Princess. It's just pneumonia! Man he's whiny. Blah blah blah...my poor lungs.... I have an idea, why not stop freebasing windex and chasing it with liquid plumber? Or even better, stop feeding your frog nude pictures of yourself. It's just plain weird.

Kingcover wants something other than one eye because of the cyclops factor.

I say I'm going to leave it at this and call it a post.

I feel so drained lately. And don't actually feel like I have much to give you.

the eyes have it

2007-07-16T00:04:00.000-07:00

ok. what should i blog about?
i feel bad to you, my fans, that my harddrive has kicked the perverbial bucket. i can't access my imagination. and by imagination, i mean my photos. so, can you dig it(here's a shovel, can you dig it fool?")? help me help you.

what could you possibly need from me that i can deliver without maegapixals?

I AM LISTENING

Happy weekend everyone!

2007-07-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

So I'm having a party.

You should stop by.

I promise I will leave my angle grinder in my garage.

You should know better than to come between me and my power tools anyway.

ok, can you say eeeeeeew?

2007-07-10T19:35:00.000-07:00

I'm not a bug lover. They give me the willies. At night on my porch, I keep having run-ins with earwigs. It's disgusting. Especially when you crush them and they crunch. Our house is just over a year old and I don't know why they are on my porch (my friend Joey told me they like dark, moist places. Well, when I am on my porch I can only think of one moist, dark place and I guarentee there are no earwigs there). Not like hundreds of them or anything, but enough of them for me to be extremely preoccupied with the possibility of one trying to work it's creepy way into my ear canal. So I googled it. And now I'm a little less scared. But I'm sure I'll still be in the killing mood next time I see one.

Click here to get a little less scared yourself through the power of education.

CRONGRATULATIONS ARE IN ORDER....

2007-07-04T15:58:00.000-07:00

OK People, let me get the apology out of the way first. I am sorry. I am sorry that you all have had to wait so long for your results. I'm sorry my computer is so friggin' lazy. As I have said before, my harddrive is damaged and we really just need a new computer. But considering how limited my knowledge is of computers, this seems like an insurmountable task. Not to mention completely overwhelming. I have spent a great deal of time trying desperately to upload the photos that were sent in, but to no avail. I swear I honestly heard my computer laughing at me.

But, as they say, the show must go on. So without further adu, the winners are....

Design Goddess- now lets hear it for my number 1 fan! She not only submitted 2 entries, she neither googled or photoshopped! I wish so badly you could see the photos. Her first entry was awesome! And I agree fully. Completely distracting. It's of a guy in the back of pick-up truck who is eating his McDonald's that he ordered, paid for and picked up from where he was sitting...in the back of the pick up!!!!! And the second entry is probably the real winner! It's of this old man with a pimped-out Excursion....can't really tell he's old, but trust me, he's O-L-D! And the paint job is a teenagers wet dream. It is totally awesome and extremely distracting. I'd even go as far as to say he's a danger on the road because of the depth of the distraction! So.... let's hear it for DG!!!! (standing "o") Now originally I was going to let people decide what prize they choose, but I think in my number one fan's case, she deserves BOTH! So, DG, email me your address so I can mail you out an autographed photo of moi, and give me your cell # so you can start receiving your random text messages from me!!!! Sweet action!

The next winner is................ None other than T.Leach himself! I was so excited to get an entry from him and felt so honored to have him participate in my silly little contest.
His photo was an instant classic. I loved, too, that he chose a bicycle as his vehicle distraction of choice. The photo is so freaking funny, that trust me, when I figure out how to ever get it off Rob's cell phone (my cell phone is so old, it can't accept photos)I will for sure be posting it! At the risk of being politically incorrect, lets just say there is a not-so-slim lady taking a brand new bicycle out for a test drive...with a pink helmet on!! The cherry on top being her support system, which consisted of someone she could easily swap clothes with. Ahhh, hahaha, you will just have to take T.Leach's and my word for it. It's so freakin' funny and so utterly distracting, that it's only by the grace of God, I think, that no one was harmed in the taking of the photo. So, T.Leach, CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Again, please email me your particulars and the prize of your dreams. Oh, I mean the prize of your choice.

Now, as i said, creativity, photoshopping, and stealing off the net was also permitted. And there were some really good entries. However, I just couldn't sleep right if I didn't award Mr.Shife a prize too. His entry, although not seen by him personally on the road, was awesome. It was of this fat guy (funny how I'm not as concerned about the political correctness here)in a PINK tracker who was maybe attempting to park, but looks more like he's trying to hold up a cement wall with his back bumper. It was a great entry and if you had been driving by and saw it, I guarentee it would have been a major driving distraction. So, congratulations to you too, Mr.Shife!!! You not only rocked this contest, you rock my world. Just simply email me your prize of choice and your info...and sit back and bask in all of your bragging rights!

Happy Fourth of July to all my American Friends! And again, congratulations! All 3 of you were winners in my black book even before this contest!

and the winners are... drumroll please....

2007-07-03T11:08:00.000-07:00

OK people! we have some winners! i will post the winners in the next day or two because i'm kinda busy, but if you submitted an entry, please start thinking of your prize of choice.
1-an autographed photo of me
2-your number added to my cell phone where you will recieve random texts from me!

have a great day and don't forget how great i am!

2 things i don't understand, and 1 thing i do

2007-06-29T10:50:00.000-07:00

OK. I'm scraping the bottom of some sort of container here for a new post. My harddrive is damaged and I am rediculously limited computer-wise.

ok. I can't believe someone gave this book away. I almost bought it, but then I remebered that I'm not completely insane yet and opted for a photo instead

now this I just found completely confusing. What if you want pees but no carrots? I guess you have to get your fish net out and get scooping.

I figured if Mr. Shife can bring up the past, so can I. There's nothing quite like some sweet Llama group action to kick the weekend off right!

Have a great one people!

Deadline for the contest to win an autographed photo of or random text messages from me is July 1st midnight. So remember, just make something up. Get creative. Submit something! Email me a photo of someone in a car that doesn't suit the vehicle. I am not above you lying to me and saying you took the photo yourself. I lie to you people all the time.

I spy with my chemically burned eye. (don't worry, this was like 3 weeks ago. it will be other things that eventually take my sight)

2007-06-25T12:52:00.000-07:00

warning. read all the directions on the box as well as the bottle before you squirt anything directly into your eye. such as something crazy like contact lens cleaner.

ouch.

it burned so bad all i could think of to do was yell.

Don't forget to send in your contest entries!! time is running out! submit your entries, by midnight July 1st to chersrobs@hotmail.com for a chance to win an autographed picture of me, or, a chance to be added to my cell phone and receive random text messages from me! Trust me, your friends will be jealous!

2007-06-21T11:22:00.000-07:00

Mr.Shife, the online man of my dreams, has requested a new post. Well, here you go Tiger... just for you. Fresh and hot to order...

What I want to know is when my cat, Gonzo started bowling.